#um

One of the classier features of this home was the padded toilet seat. It was high-mileage puffy brown vinyl-colored foam and made that weird sigh when you sat down on it. I'm not a germaphobe or anything like that, but it is weird to think about all the ass time this seat had seen before we moved in. This is a horrible invention. What's the plan? You want to create a toilet seat so comfortable that you can fall asleep while you're taking a shit? You're going to show up late for work or end up like Elvis. ↗

— Adam Carolla

#home

It's sad to see old friends have to move away, but at the same time, you know the retirement home is the best place for them. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #funny

Southern hospitality and Amish cooking - Ya'll Come Back, Danki. ↗

— Karen Harper

#christian #humor #southern #home

...I have to go home and get a few things done. If I don’t get out the Pledge soon, the dust bunnies are going to be leaving tracks on my furniture... ↗

— Carla Foft

#humour #work #home

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police. ↗

— George Carlin

#humor #sex #humor

Welcome home. Now leave me alone. ↗

— Trish Doller

#home

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear-kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor-with the cry of grave national emergency. Always there has been some terrible evil at home or some monstrous foreign power that was going to gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it ... ↗

— General Douglas MacArthur

#humanity-and-society #liberty #freedom