#u

I want to meet life head on. That way it can't bite me in the a$$ ↗

— Madison J. Edwards

#humor

There are four ways to manage stress. There's drugs, there's alcohol, there's sex, and there's doughnuts. I go with sex and doughnuts. I tried the other two and it wasn't any good. You being in a dry spell, you might have to rely on doughnuts. ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#humor

Rupert: "... At this rate, somebody is bound to upset the Warlock once too often, and we'll end up with a Court full of bemused looking toads." "He wouldn't dare use his magic here," said the Champion. "Don't bet on it," said Rupert. "The High Warlock has all the practicality and self-preservation instincts of a depressed lemming. ↗

— Simon R. Green

#sarcastic-humor #humor

I only know everything if you ask the right questions. ↗

— Doc Coleman

#knowledge #wisdom-quote #humor

I'm riding my own feet because I don't have a horse. ↗

— Emma Wolfang

#humor

I want to have five or six wives, and a few dozen sheep, all for my pleasure. I should be a politician. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#politician #politics #humor

Colin: "1 dinna understand why we canna just go to bed and have sex." He looked truly puzzled. ↗

— Nina Bangs

#men #sex #women #humor

She looked like she believed in something, or wanted to, and I hoped to hell it wasn’t God, not in the way The Dad believes, because all that does is make him forced and desperate. No, it was something else, not just that I saw a pretty girl and just got all excited. I mean, yeah, that part is true, and she really was gorgeous, and the freckles covering her, the freckles on top of freckles all spread out and folding into one another made her skin look like it had grain and texture, like polished wood, like it would feel smooth to the touch, and so soft. I knew that. But it wasn’t how she looked. ↗

— Brad Barkley

#heather-hepler #humor #love #humor

Men these days expect their wives to be as dazzling as their mistresses. ↗

— Helen Simonson

#humor

Serpentfire can burn for a very long time if the bagic is strong," said Aldric. "It's hard to handle, that kind of fire, it seems to have a mind of its own, but it can be a good tool if you have nothing else. You never, ever want to use it unless you need it. I keep it around in case of dire circumstances. I hate to admit that anything Serpentine can be useful." Absentmindedly he picked up a Dragon's claw from a pile of them on the tabe, and used it to stratch his neck. ↗

— Jason Hightman

#humor #humor