#to

Cartooning will destroy you; it will break your heart. ↗

— Charles M. Schulz

#depression #humor #humor

Nathan always believed his wife was trying to poison him but he didn't seem to mind. He said it made life kind of exciting. ↗

— L.M. Montgomery

#humor #l-m-montomery #humor

Haggis" is a brand of nappies.' I said. 'They're good, we used them for our daughter.' 'Haggis is a kind of food too,' said Semyon, shaking his head. 'Although as far as taste goes, there's probably not much difference. ↗

— Sergei Lukyanenko

#haggis #humor #semyon #food

I can see that an insufficent, or perhaps even defective, socialization process has led you to believe that four-letter words add power to languauge ↗

— Preston and Child

#humor #pendergast #preston #still-life-with-crows #humor

[Reverend James] Dobson says that the [Spongebob Squarepants] video would be watched by millions of elementary school students and includes a reference to being 'tolerant of differences.' The nerve! Who does Spongebob think he is? Jesus Christ? Tolerance will not be, uh, tolerated. Oh, and tolerance is quite possibly closesly connected to gay-ance. ↗

— Celia Rivenbark

#homophobia #humor #tolerance #humor

Yes, yes, mistress, I shall go and accomplish your task. Only—I was not only sent to kill the Leucrotta. There is a maiden in a tower—" At this the Witch spat, again rolling her marvelous eyes. "Those revolting creatures are always getting themselves locked up. If only they would stay that way. ↗

— Catherynne M. Valente

#maidens #towers #witches #humor

It's that quirky kind of weekend feeling they write ridiculous sunny-day songs about. You know the ones--I'm sure they're on your iPod even though you'd never admit it. ↗

— Neal Shusterman

#true-to-life #humor

God doesn't do notes, either. Did Jesus Christ say, "Can I be excused the Crucifixion?" No! ↗

— Alan Bennett

#the-history-boys #humor

Raw toast," Lucas said grimly, shaking his head. "It goes against the very nature of man. ↗

— Julia Quinn

#toast #humor

The colonel dwelt in a vortex of specialists who were still specializing in trying to determine what was troubling him. They hurled lights in his eyes to see if he could see, rammed needles into nerves to hear if he could feel. There was a urologist for his urine, a lymphologist for his lymph, an endocrinologist for his endocrines, a psychologist for his psyche, a dermatologist for his derma; there was a pathologist for his pathos, a cystologist for his cysts, and a bald and pendantic cetologist from the zoology department at Harvard who had been shanghaied ruthlessly into the Medical Corps by a faulty anode in an I.B.M. machine and spent his sessions with the dying colonel trying to discuss Moby Dick with him. ↗

— Joseph Heller

#humor