#tire

Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence. ↗

— Ambrose Bierce

#humor #offences #satire #humor

You know, you're rather amusingly wrong. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#funny #humor #humorous #irony #satire

But I'm really enjoying my retirement. I get to sleep in every day. I do crossword puzzles and eat cake. ↗

— Derek Landy

#crossword-puzzles #humor #humorous #laziness #retirement

I’m tired of pretending, tired of acting like everything’s okay, tired of not being with him… ↗

— Terra Elan McVoy

#love #pretending #tired #love

No one washes their hands after they piss unless they’re in a public place. If I’m at the airport, or a restaurant, and someone else is there, I’ll soap up for the sake of civilization, but it’s only for show, I don’t really care if I have ultraviolet traces of urine or feces on my hands. But, if I see someone walk oudda the men’s without soaping up I’ll think he’s deranged, borderline psychotic. At least pretend that washing your hands matters. You know, for the sake of civilization. ↗

— Shannon Lyndsy

#hygiene #satire #humor

Alice is fictional. This isn't. ↗

— Jess C. Scott

#dark-humor #group-think #groupthink #lady-gaga #mad-magazine

You're arguing in a circle," I said. "In a spiral," said Lamiel, "which is the best way to argue. ↗

— Harry Blamires

#humor

Libations are for the gods. Cocktails are for mere mortals. ↗

— Jonathan Kieran

#blogs #books #goodreads #humor #jonathan-kieran

I said never mix business with pleasure. They said it was a pleasure doing business with me. ↗

— Nikhil Sharda

#humourous #puns #satire-write #business

Also unfortunately, Congress is far too busy asking if baseball players are really as strong as they seem and trying to choke bankers with wads of cash to grant more funds to such trifling matters as the avoidance of space bullets, so they won't give NASA the money ↗

— Robert Brockway

#humor #satire #science #business