#tire

Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy's Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day's work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city's reservoir, he turns to the cupboards, only to find the vodka bottle empty. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#humor #moroseness #russia #satire #sorrow

Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence. ↗

— Ambrose Bierce

#humor #offences #satire #humor

You know, you're rather amusingly wrong. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#funny #humor #humorous #irony #satire

But I'm really enjoying my retirement. I get to sleep in every day. I do crossword puzzles and eat cake. ↗

— Derek Landy

#crossword-puzzles #humor #humorous #laziness #retirement

I’m tired of pretending, tired of acting like everything’s okay, tired of not being with him… ↗

— Terra Elan McVoy

#love #pretending #tired #love

No one washes their hands after they piss unless they’re in a public place. If I’m at the airport, or a restaurant, and someone else is there, I’ll soap up for the sake of civilization, but it’s only for show, I don’t really care if I have ultraviolet traces of urine or feces on my hands. But, if I see someone walk oudda the men’s without soaping up I’ll think he’s deranged, borderline psychotic. At least pretend that washing your hands matters. You know, for the sake of civilization. ↗

— Shannon Lyndsy

#hygiene #satire #humor

Alice is fictional. This isn't. ↗

— Jess C. Scott

#dark-humor #group-think #groupthink #lady-gaga #mad-magazine

You're arguing in a circle," I said. "In a spiral," said Lamiel, "which is the best way to argue. ↗

— Harry Blamires

#humor

Libations are for the gods. Cocktails are for mere mortals. ↗

— Jonathan Kieran

#blogs #books #goodreads #humor #jonathan-kieran

I said never mix business with pleasure. They said it was a pleasure doing business with me. ↗