#tin

Jen put her hands on her hips and pinned Sally with the famous 'you're going to spit it out or I'm going to rip it out of you’ look. "You talked?" Jen asked sarcastically. "Sally," she cleared her throat then continued, "you have a mate. A guaranteed husband. A sure thing. Not to mention he's hot, funny, sweet, and he has a dimple. You talked?" She repeated. This time Jen's voice was skeptical. Before Sally could defend herself, however, her door opened slowly, calculatingly. "I know you weren't describing me Jennifer. So who is this male who has caught your eye so descriptively? Please do tell, so that I can rip him to pieces." Decebel's power filled the room and Sally took an involuntary step away from the very angry Alpha. ↗

— Quinn Loftis

#decebel #jen #sally #funny

The plot arc of a porno is like a breast: a good one should be flat-chested. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #plotting #pornography #funny

I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm...While You Were Out of Town. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #relationships #retaliation #revenge

If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#funny #reaper-man #unseen-university #vetinari #funny

Mr. Vey, you cannot be stuffed into a locker without your consent." Dallstrom said, which may be the dumbest thing ever said in a school. "You should have resisted. That's like blaming someone who was struck by lightning for getting in the way. ↗

— Richard Paul Evans

#consent #funny #humor #humour #lighting

Alec licked his spoon, then set it on the table and popped his drink open. "Okay, I may be breaking some kind of girl bonding rule or something, but can I offer you a guy's perspective on this?" I frowned, my spoon halfway to my mouth. "Is this gonna make me want to hit you?" He shrugged. "Maybe. But it's the truth. Here goes: kissing back is an instinct. Unless the girl smells like a sewer or has tentacles feeling you up independently, a guy's first instinct is to kiss back. That's how it works. What's important is how long that kissing back lasted. So...how long? ↗

— Rachel Vincent

#funny #guys #kissing-back-is-instinct #funny

The funny thing about my procrastination was that I was almost done with the screenplay. I was like a person who had fought dragons and lost limb and crawled through swamps and now, finally, the castle was visible. I could see tiny children waving flags on the balcony; all I had to do was walk across a field to get to them. But all of a sudden I was very, very sleepy. And the children couldn't believe their eyes as I folded down to my knees and fell to the ground face-first, with my eyes open. Motionless, I watched ants hurry in and out of a hole and I knew that standing up again would be a thousand times harder than the dragon or the swamp and so I did not even try. I just clicked on one thing after another after another. ↗

— Miranda July

#procrastination #funny

Evil influence is like a nicotine patch, you cannot help but absorb what sticks to you. ↗

— E.A. Bucchianeri

#bad-company #bad-influence #evil #evil-people #evil-thoughts

Life is too short to dance with ugly men ↗

— Christina Dodd

#funny #so-true #funny

If ye canna see the bright side o' life, polish the dull side ↗

— Christina Dodd

#funny #scottish #funny