#tick

Witty sayings don’t grow on bumpers the way babies do. I was raised by a single rush hour.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#baby #bumper-stickers #cars #family #funny

And I find chopsticks frankly distressing. Am I alone in thinking it odd that a people ingenious enough to invent paper, gunpowder, kites and any number of other useful objects, and who have a noble history extending back 3,000 years haven't yet worked out that a pair of knitting needles is no way to capture food? ↗

— Bill Bryson

#humor #food

Love tickles parts of you that, prior to its influence, you didn't even know could feel. ↗

— Richelle E. Goodrich

#richelle #richelle-goodrich #tickle #love

I recently heard of a group called The Lipsticks who only sing Kiss hits, which reminds me of something weird 
I saw yesterday. 
I saw Elvis. And he was impersonating me. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #kiss #lipstick #funny

When it comes to adding color to my face, I prefer lipstick. But no one ever lets me apply their lips, since I blush so much. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #kissing #lipstick #funny

Jeff: I understand you guys had a good day today? Peanut: Yes we had a great day! Jose: No we did not. Peanut: Yes Jose: No Peanut: Yes Jose: No Peanut: Yes Jose: No we did not have a good day. Peanut: Yes we hhhaad...a great frickin' day! What? Jeff: Did you have a good day? Peanut: Yes Jose: No Peanut: Shut up Jeff: A good day? Peanut: Yes Jose: No Peanut: Shut up Jeff: You're supposed to have taken him to the spa. Peanut: I took him to the spa! Jose: He put me in the vegetable steamer. Peanut: It's the same thing!!! ↗

— Jeff Dunham

#humor #jeff-dunham #jose-jalapeno-on-a-stick #peanut #humor

You have no idea about presents or what they mean. The last present you gave me was a stick.” “You wanted a weapon.” “It was a stick.” “It had a bow on it.” “It was a stick.” “I thought you liked the stick. You laughed. ↗

— Derek Landy

#presents #skulduggery-pleasant #stick #valkyrie-cain #weapon

I postulate that there is something stickier than semen. That substance is love.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#semen #sticky #love

Oh, come on Em." He stopped walking and looked me in the eyes. His own were dark and shiny. "You know how I feel about you," he muttered. "I do?" He stepped closer and whispered, "When you're around, music plays in my head." My eyes welled. "Music," I repeated softly. "Well, you know." He grinned. "It's the Jaws theme. Da dum. Da dum. ↗

— Jennifer Jabaley

#humour #lipstick #music

Why would you want to stand there waving a stick when you could be playing an instrument? ↗

— Nigel Kennedy

#instrument #playing #stand #stick #want