#su

A brick could be used to test my new levitation machine. Still, I’d rather test the machine out by seeing if it can lift my heavy, elephantine penis off the floor. But before I turn the machine on, I’m going to ask you to stand at least ten feet back, because I wouldn’t want to accidentally impregnate you. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket #funny #humor #random #strange

These golf people seem unnaturally obsessed. They dress kind of funny too, and it's become a running joke for Gretchen and I to e-mail the most ridiculous golfing pictures back and forth to each other. Sometimes she adds hysterical captions. She never puts them on PitchBitch, though. We can't threaten the gravy train. ↗

— Shawn Klomparens

#golf #humor #funny

My brother was a great swimmer. He was as fast as a shark. Well, almost. It beat him by a half a leg's length, right below the knee. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #shark #funny

A brick could be used to increase your annual sales. But before you can sell, you’ve got to buy. For just $9.99 I’ll show you how a common brick can transform you into an uncommon salesman. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #buy

A blanket could be used to cure the common cold. I mean, come on it’s just common sense. A blanket is warm, and if a cold is what it’s named, then a blanket would transform a cold into some nameless nonentity. Take that, Louis Pasteur. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A brick could be used to divide two people, and then conquer both of them.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A brick could be used to illustrate the seriousness of the situation. You’ll know I’m not playing when I display a brick. Shit’s getting real up in here, motherfucker.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Blankets could be used to stop exponential population growth. If we kept the people warm, maybe they wouldn’t try to heat themselves up through continual fornication. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A brick could be used as a bowling ball. With how bad I bowl, a rectangle ball couldn’t possibly hurt my score, because in bowling you can’t get a lower score than zero ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Will you promise to keep this to yourself, to not tell anyone of what we are?” By his words you’d think he was giving me a choice. Like I could say,no deal, honey bunch, I’m off to shout your secret from the rooftops, and he’d be like, oh no please don’t do that. In reality, he’d have to kill me. ↗

— L.H. Cosway

#secrets #supernatural #funny