#range

His name was Tom Tombstone, and if he had a middle name it was probably Death. But I didn’t call him Tom, or even Mr. Tombstone, because he introduced himself as Robert Winston. And I wondered how this stranger could shake my hand, look me in the eye, smile, and expect me to believe such a bold-faced lie? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#death #funny #hilarious #humor #introduction

Hermione was screaming again: the sound went through Harry like physical pain. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#harry-potter #hermione-granger #love #romance #death

I grew up in a Hindu household but went to a Roman Catholic school. I grew up with a mother who said, 'I'll arrange a marriage for you at 18,' but she also said that we could achieve anything we put our minds to an encourage us to dream of becoming prime minister or president. ↗

— Indra Nooyi

#also #anything #arrange #becoming #catholic

You have to believe that people will be open to your advances. We psych ourselves out of approaching a potential BFF or emailing a role model because it seems far-fetched that they'd want to be friends or network with us in return. But, as has always been the case this year, people are happy to make new connections. ↗

— Rachel Bertsche

#strangers #friendship

She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#believe #bizarre #funny #honest #honesty

If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I looked so familiar, I'd respond in a raspy voice, "Your brother ran over my brother. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brother #funny #ran-over #raspy-voice #stranger

I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#considerate #funny #humor #jarod-kintz #mail

Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#alone #bizarre #funny #hog #humor

Yesterday, at the company party, I made a joke and everyone laughed and said, “Hey, now there’s the Jarod Kintz we all know and love.” and I smiled, but inside I thought, “Actually, the Jarod Kintz you know and love was my clone, who I had to murder because he kept eating all my leftovers. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#clones #funny #humor #laughed #murder

Horace, who had been trying to find out the meaning of Kurokuma for some time now, was pleased to hear the translation. "Black bear," he repeated. "It's undoubtedly because I'm so terrible in battle." "I'd guess so," Will put in. "I've seen you in battle and you're definitely terrible. ↗

— John Flanagan

#nickname #ranger-s-apprentice #funny