#random

A woman cannot ever be sure of not being married till she is buried, Mrs. Doctor, dear, and meanwhile I will make a batch of cherry pies. ↗

— L.M. Montgomery

#random #woman #dreams

Game shows are designed to make us feel better about the random, useless facts that are all we have left of our education. ↗

— Chuck Palahniuk

#better #designed #education #facts #feel

The wider you spread your fingers apart while clapping is equal to the amount of retarded you look while clapping. ↗

— Christy Leigh Stewart

#clapping #funny #funny-and-random #retarded #equality

Two bricks, parallel and horizontal, equals an equal sign.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A brick could be divided into four equal pieces and split among three friends. I’ll take the two largest pieces, or half, whichever makes me appear the most generous.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket #funny #humor #random #sharing

Well," said Clary, after a judicious pause, "I guess you wouldn't have taken advantage of her when she's so grief-stricken and all." Simon snorted. "If you ever meet the man who could take advantage of Isabelle, you'll have to let me know. I'd like to shake his hand. Or run away from him very fast, I'm not sure which. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#funny-and-random #isabelle-lightwood #funny

A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin.
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— Jarod Kintz

#evil #family #funny #humor #monster

A brick is a duplicate. It is a physical copy of the idea for a brick. And what’s the big idea? A brick represents unity, a notion of hey, let’s build something together. Like a house, for example. And after you help me build my house, I’ll use a leftover brick and smash you over the skull so that not only will I not have to pay you for your labor, but I won’t have to pay the butcher for meat, because with your sturdy body, I’m sure I’ll have enough food to feed my family for a year. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

If a piano fell from the sky, my first reaction would be, Oh my God! I hope it didn’t crush my bag of chips I left lying on the ground. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#piano #random #funny

I think it would be neat to meet a man who slept with one eye open, especially if that man was a Cyclops. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny-and-random #humor #sleep #funny