#random

Martin was dafter than a syphilitic polecat - where do I get these metaphors from? ↗

— Stieg Larsson

#funny

I do know you're nothing like him. But you're still....still a lot. A lot to handle. I don't mean your junk, obviously, as we've not gotten to the fondling-bits stage yet. And I can't believe I just talked about your junk. ↗

— Nicole Peeler

#funny-and-random #jane-true #funny

A blanket, coupled with an impressive erection, could serve as a suitable replacement for a lost tent at next year’s “Bring your son to work night” at NAMBLA’s manufacturing plant. What does NAMBLA make? NAMBLA makes me sick.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket #funny #humor #random #strange

You know your all fucks! why am i so dichable? now how am i supposed to kill you with out upseting that poor nice women!? God damnit alice i liked you why did you have to be such a bitch ↗

— Carrie Vaughn

#funny

I'm happy for the kid and everything, but how the fuck does Lio get a friend before me? I live here. 'I told you I could do it :)' Lio IMs me. I want to rip out that smiley's eyes. ↗

— Hannah Moskowitz

#funny

As my grandfather once famously shouted, in a drunken stupor, “You can’t have fish tacos if you still have the hook in your mouth!” And while I have no idea what he meant, or how it’s relevant, I tell that story to any indigenous Mexican I meet who doesn’t speak English. Interestingly, they offer the wisest response possible: they simply nod and smile. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#random #funny

I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache, they’d take me seriously. #catch22
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— Jarod Kintz

#cops #funny #humor #mustache #police

Peace cannot be achieved; they have to be plucked out of their pod. ↗

— A.G. Phillips

#funny #humor #peace #peas #quote

A brick could be used as a doorstop. But that’s obvious. What isn’t obvious is why somebody would want to stop a door, since doors represent openness. What is that person hiding behind that door that they want to stop people from opening it up? I don’t know, but it’s got to be diabolical, and if anything is to be stopped, it’s not the door—it’s the evil plan by the Door Master to take over the world.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

A blanket could be used to wrap up all the love I have to offer you, so it’ll be easier for you to carry it across the desert. You’d better get walking, because me and my camel won’t be stopping until we have to pee.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny