#rand

That’s a federal crime,” I told him. “Punishable by three to five years in a minimum-security prison. You’ll get passed around like condiments at a barbeque.” “My hole is already quivering,” he said. ↗

— T.J. Klune

#funny

A brick can be used as a counting device, particularly if you only need to count up to one.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Are you in charge here?" the man asks. "No, but I'm full of ideas! ↗

— Dr. Who

#dr-who #funny #funny-and-random #ideas #management

What if a pair of us head off on our own?" Nollin proposed, panting. "A small detachment might avoid detection." "It's a gamble," Ferrin said. "If the duo gets noticed, they'll be defenseless. Who'd you have in mind?" "Some key delegates," Nollin said. "Perhaps myself and Aram." Rachel shook her head. Evidently, Nollin had noticed the critical role Aram had played during the escape. Ferrin laughed openly. "Aram, you've been promoted to essential!" "I'm generally more appreciated at night," the big man grumbled. "I'm going to the table, Nollin." "Maybe we should all remain together," Nollin repented. ↗

— Brandon Mull

#brandon #humor #mull #rebellion #seeds

Not that I lack confidence in the outcome," Ferrin said, "but would you consider entrusting the piece of my neck to somebody who is not about to confront one of the most deadly beings in the world? ↗

— Brandon Mull

#brandon #humor #mull #rebellion #seeds

(LuAnn) Whatever. That'll teach me not to build my life around a man whose favorite book is Atlas Shrugged. Listen, kid." She waggles her finger, as if scolding me. "Nothing good comes from Ayn RAnd. Trust me on this. ↗

— Abby McDonald

#humor #humor

Your uniqueness is your greatest strength, not how well you emulate others. ↗

— Simon S. Tam

#api #asian #asian-american #branding #business

I loved Granny Belmonte, but she didn't need a costume to look undead. ↗

— Bethany Frenette

#humor #undead #humor

I believe in a benevolent God not because He created the Grand Canyon or Michelangelo, but because He gave us snacks. ↗

— Paul Rudnick

#grand-canyon #michelangelo #snacks #death

Mars knew that love wasn't all red-paper valentines and candy hearts. Love wasn't always joy. Love could be hot-blooded pain down to the bone. Sometimes love was despair. And sometimes love was wrong. ↗

— Randy Russell

#jana-webster #mars-dreamcote #randy-russell #love