#r

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#i #like #more #more people #people

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#buy #cake #candle #got #holder

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#depressing #get #good #how #i

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#any #car #cars #coming #exactly

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#cause #down #i #know #necklace

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#cheese #macaroni

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#i #lift #literal #me #once

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#flyer #hands #here #like #saying

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#disillusion #go #here #i #i am

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' ↗

— Mitch Hedberg

#banana #friend #frozen #i #later