#ps

Coach Hedge yelled,“Thar she blows! Kansas, ahoy!” “Holy Hephaestus,” Leo muttered. “He really needs to work on his shipspeak. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#heroes-of-olympus #humor #kansas #leo-valdez #percy-jackson-and-the-olympians

I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I’ve eaten a man for less than that. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #breakfast #eaten #funny #grinning

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. ↗

— Jerry Seinfeld

#color #concerned #end #final #final word

Needy people are like newborns, I have come to realize. One intoxicated night and BAM! You are stuck with this problem. You finally take it home and it wants to keep you up all night and cries when it isn’t sucking on various parts of your anatomy. It wants you there for everything – rocking, feeding, burping, changing... It’s ridiculous. If I wanted a kid I would have one. Until then, grow the hell up and stand on your own two feet, you little crazy. ↗

— Chase Brooks

#drunk #humor #needy #relationships #change

You know your problem, Quentin? You keep expecting people not to be themselves ↗

— John Green

#people #relationships #friendship

This little piggy went to Hades This little piggy stayed home This little piggy ate raw and steaming human flesh This little piggy violated virgins And this little piggy clambered over a heap of dead bodies to get to the top ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#hades #humor #nursery-rhymes #piggy #pigs

God is even in a single parent household. ↗

— Karen Salmansohn

#relationships #humor

Simple shit makes this chick crap bubbles and rainbows" -Beckett ↗

— Debra Anastasia

#debra-anastasia #humor #poughkeepsie #humor

If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave. ↗

— Mo Willems

#humor #humorous #philosophy #psychology #humor