#penis

I want to roll my eyes, but I'm pretty soon they're going to get stuck in the back of my head, and penis puns are really not worth my permanent facial damage. ↗

— Lauren Morrill

#funny #penis-jokes #funny

Peaches found herself wondering if Mary, a tiny brunette with an unprepossessing manner and less than ‘stellar’ work ethics, had to play Where’s Waldo to find Steve’s dick beneath his gigantic waistline. ↗

— A.T. Hicks

#funny #outrageous-behavior #penis-size #funny

Because I feel as if I let it down. As if it needed something from me, I was its only hope, and now that hope is gone.' 'What penis doesn’t try to make you feel that way? ↗

— R.J. Silver

#penis #funny

She texted me telling me her mom was dying, so I did the right thing and texted her back a picture of my erect penis and said, “Let’s start a new family.”
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#dying #family #funny #humor #inappropriate

College feminists made fun of skyscrapers, saying they were phallic symbols. They said the same thing about space rockets, even though, if you stopped to think about it, rockets were shaped the way they were not because of phallocentrism but because of aerodynamics. Would a vagina-shaped Apollo 11 have made it to the moon? Evolution had created the penis. It was a useful structure for getting certain things done. And if it worked for the pistils of flowers as well as the inseminatory organs of Homo sapiens, whose fault was that but Biology's? But no--anything large or grand in design, any long novel, big sculpture, or towering building, became, in the opinion of the "women" Mitchell knew at college, manifestations of male insecurity about the size of their penises. ↗

— Jeffrey Eugenides

#penises #phallocentrism #marriage

No more men. I swear it. They’re nothing but trouble. Them, and their damned penises. ↗

— Rosanna Leo

#penises #men

One of the side effects of Viagra is blurred vision. Sounds great! When I’m taking a pill to pop a stiffy, how great is it that any woman I look at has blurred features and therefore is as beautiful as an impressionistic painting?
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#beautiful #blurred-vision #drugs #erection #hard-on

It’s hard to type with gloves on. It’s also hard to type with just an erection. It’s basically like typing with one finger, and in my case, a pinky. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #penis #typing #change

Don’t be a critic. The critic is to art what the limp penis is to sex. ↗

— Steve Maraboli

#critic #penis #sex #art

While the moral force of Judeo-Christian tradition and the law have sought to purify the penis, and to restrict its seed to the sanctified institution of matrimony, the penis is not by nature a monogamous organ. It knows no moral code. It was designed by nature for waste, it craves variety, and nothing less than castration will eliminate the allure of prostitution, fornication adultery, or pornography. ↗

— Gay Talese

#sexuality #design