#penis

If liquid courage smelled like cologne and gushed out of my penis, I’d make a better fire fighter than I’m not right now. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#penis #strange #surreal #change

I can handle it. But it stinks, if you ask me, really stinks, that you get to go out somewhere drinking beer while I'm stuck at Baby Central. Just because you have a penis." "We'll think fondly of you over beer, me and my penis." She ate a little more, then smiled slowly. "You've still got to be in the birthing room when she pushes it out." "Shut up, Eve." "Your penis won't save you then, Pal. ↗

— J.D. Robb

#eve-dallas #penis #roarke #death

I am one pair of roses away from the grave,” I told the midget with the twelve-inch erection. It wasn’t his—he was just holding it for a friend (that impressive penis belonged to a much taller man). Ah, but that’s life, no?
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#death #erection #grave #life #midget

Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles. ↗

— Roseanne Barr

#maps #men #overcompensation #penises #travel

There’s a penis in my penne pasta. It’s my penis, but that doesn’t mean it belongs there.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#belonging #belongs #food #pasta #penis

I could name my penis Steve, and it would be appropriate, as it is sort of shaped like my dad’s face, whose name is Steve. Not just his face, but his whole body and person is named Steve. And he’s a dick. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #penis #funny

Being alive means living fully extended. Like Orafoura’s cousin, who is 2.5 inches tall, but has a five-inch penis. You can’t say that’s average, because how many people do you know whose penis is twice as long as they are? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cousin #funny #living #orafoura #penis

I belong, and my penis, it be long.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #penis #silly #funny

John, let me make one thing clear,” Jim said, cutting me off in his most stern, evangelical voice. “Every man is blessed with his gifts from the Lord. One of mine happens to be a penis large enough that, if it had a penis of its own, my penis’ penis would be larger than your penis.”..... ..."Fuck all of you,” John retorted. “You don’t even exist. We’re all just a figment of my cock’s imagination. ↗

— David Wong

#hilarity #humour #penises #stupid-boys #imagination

It’s a cliché to say that men think with their penises. But it’s a fact. And penises are notoriously stupid. My penis, for example, probably only has an IQ of 144, or about 12 times its length in inches when limp. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cliche #fact #iq #limp #men