#penis

If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #love #penis #think #age

The Beautiful Poem" I go to bed in Los Angeles thinking about you. Pissing a few moments ago I looked down at my penis affectionately. Knowing it has been inside you twice today makes me feel beautiful. ↗

— Richard Brautigan

#sex #beauty

If I had a hand for a penis, would a hand job be appropriate in place of a handshake at business meetings?
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#greetings #hand #hand-job #handshake #meetings

If liquid courage smelled like cologne and gushed out of my penis, I’d make a better fire fighter than I’m not right now. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#penis #strange #surreal #change

I can handle it. But it stinks, if you ask me, really stinks, that you get to go out somewhere drinking beer while I'm stuck at Baby Central. Just because you have a penis." "We'll think fondly of you over beer, me and my penis." She ate a little more, then smiled slowly. "You've still got to be in the birthing room when she pushes it out." "Shut up, Eve." "Your penis won't save you then, Pal. ↗

— J.D. Robb

#eve-dallas #penis #roarke #death

I am one pair of roses away from the grave,” I told the midget with the twelve-inch erection. It wasn’t his—he was just holding it for a friend (that impressive penis belonged to a much taller man). Ah, but that’s life, no?
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#death #erection #grave #life #midget

Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles. ↗

— Roseanne Barr

#maps #men #overcompensation #penises #travel

There’s a penis in my penne pasta. It’s my penis, but that doesn’t mean it belongs there.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#belonging #belongs #food #pasta #penis

I could name my penis Steve, and it would be appropriate, as it is sort of shaped like my dad’s face, whose name is Steve. Not just his face, but his whole body and person is named Steve. And he’s a dick. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #penis #funny

Being alive means living fully extended. Like Orafoura’s cousin, who is 2.5 inches tall, but has a five-inch penis. You can’t say that’s average, because how many people do you know whose penis is twice as long as they are? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cousin #funny #living #orafoura #penis