#ow

I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offered to tweeze his eyebrows. He accepted and was so grateful that he offered to trade mustaches with me. In remembrance of that special bonding moment, I still wear his mustache over my left nipple.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bald #baldness #bond #bonding #eyebrows

The advice that I usually give to young actors is that if you can create a character for the stage and keep that character fresh for at least 6 months that means you're doing the show eight times a week. ↗

— Joe Morton

#character #create #doing #eight #fresh

Reyna sent me to get Percy," Frank said. "Did Octavian accept you?" "Yeah," Percy said. "He slaughtered my panda. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#panda-pillow-pets #humor

I don't like lollipops. ↗

— Eoin Colfer

#humor #humor

Tomorrow is promised to no one. ↗

— Clint Eastwood

#tomorrow #humor

The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter. ↗

— Dave Barry

#humor #ice-fishing #ice-skating #skiing #snow-camping

It feels quite cool, in a mad way, to be someone who skulks about in the shadows. ↗

— Peter Baynham

#cool #feels #mad #quite #shadows

You are your mother's trueborn son of Lannister." "Am I?" the dwarf replied, sardonic. "Do tell my lord father. My mother died birthing me, and he's never been sure." "I don't even know who my mother was," Jon said. "Some woman, no doubt. Most of them are." He favored Jon with a rueful grin. "Remember this, boy. All dwarfs may be bastards, yet not all bastards need be dwarfs." And with that he turned and sauntered back into the feast, whistling a tune. When he opened the door, the light from within threw his shadow clear across the yard, and for just a moment Tyrion Lannister stood tall as a king. ↗

— George R.R. Martin

#dwarfs #humor #jon-snow #king #sarcasm

He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right?" "Like what?" "Like hitting on you." "Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way." Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee. "What? You think he does?" "Sometimes he looks at you a little... oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood." "Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?" "Not enough coffee. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#funny #ghost-town #humor #michael-glass #morganville-vampires

Oh, goodie," Puck said as I stepped forward. "I'm going to have a rash in the most uncomfortable places. ↗

— Julie Kagawa

#puck #robin-goodfellow #humor