#ny

Look, Laszlo. I'll have the dentist with me, and I don't want to alarm her any more than necessary. So take Vanna out of the backseat and stick her in the trunk." Shanna halted. Her mouth dropped open. Her throat seized up, making it hard to breathe. I don't care how much crap you have in the trunk. We're not driving around with a naked body in the car." Oh no! She gasped for air. He was a hit man. ↗

— Kerrelyn Sparks

#irony #humor

Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir. It merely mummifies its corpse. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#humor #lack-of-feeling #love #lovelessness #marriage

I'm a happy person. If you want to be around me, you can either choose to be happy too, or follow the signs to the nearest exit! ↗

— Sharon Swan

#funny #happiness #happy #humor #funny

To ugly ducklings everywhere, Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons: They'll never get to be swans ↗

— Zoë Marriott

#cool #cute #funny #humor-inspirational #humorous

[F]rom my years of understanding ... I happily chose this kind of life in which I yet live [i.e., unmarried], which I assure you for my own part hath hitherto best contented myself and I trust hath been most acceptable to God. From the which if either ambition of high estate offered to me in marriage by the pleasure and appointment of my prince ... or if the eschewing of the danger of my enemies or the avoiding of the peril of death ... could have drawn or dissuaded me from this kind of life, I had not now remained in this estate wherein you see me. But so constant have I always continued in this determination ... yet is it most true that at this day I stand free from any other meaning that either I have had in times past or have at this present. ↗

— Elizabeth I Tudor

#choice #contentment #dignity #empowerment #freedom

Believe me, It would be better if we didn't meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you're still a child. ↗

— Anthony Horowitz

#funny #humor #incentive #inspirational #interesting

Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch. ↗

— Lili St. Crow

#funny-as-hell #funny-quotes #funny-stuff #humor #humor-work

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #ideas #random #funny