#ny

I am of opinion that it is highly requisite forthwith to pass a law, prohibiting upon great penalties all trade with our enemies, and more especially the supplying of them with arms, ammunition or provisions of any kind whatsoever. ↗

— William Shirley

#ammunition #any #arms #especially #great

There's nothing funny about a clown in the moonlight. ↗

— Lon Chaney

#horror #phobias #pulp #funny

You are hereby warned that any movement on your part not explicitly endorsed by verbal authorization on my part may pose a direct physical risk to you, as well as consequential psychological and possibly, depending on your personal belief system, spiritual risks ensuing from your personal reaction to said physical risk. Any movement on your part constitutes an implicit and irrevocable acceptance of such risk," the first MetaCop says. There is a little speaker on his belt, simultaneously translating all of this into Spanish and Japanese. "Or as we used to say," the other MetaCop says, "freeze, sucker!" "Under provisions of The Mews at Windsor Heights Code, we are authorized to enforce law, national security concerns, and societal harmony on said territory also. A treaty between The Mews at Windsor Heights and White Columns authorizes us to place you in temporary custody until your status as an Investigatory Focus has been resolved." "Your ass is busted," the second MetaCop says. "As your demeanor has been nonaggressive and you carry no visible weapons, we are not authorized to employ heroic measures to ensure your cooperation," the first MetaCop says. "You stay cool and we'll stay cool," the second MetaCop says. "However, we are equipped with devices, including but not limited to projectile weapons, which, if used, may pose an extreme and immediate threat to your health and well-being." "Make one funny move and we'll blow your head off," the second MetaCop says. ↗

— Neal Stephenson

#funny #police #funny

Once in a while, I try to sneak in something less known anyway. ↗

— Bobby Short

#i #known #less #once #sneak

The longest 60 seconds in the world occur when someone says, “I’ll be there in a minute.”
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #late #minute #time #waiting

But they were going to war anyway and they were going to bully and pressure countries to vote for it. ↗

— Clare Short

#bully #countries #going #pressure #vote

I’ll tell you what love is. Love is walking up and down Archer Road in Gainesville, Florida and feeling like Cupid. Too bad the cops took issue with me hitch hiking with a bow and arrow. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #gainesville #humor #love #age

It's enough to make me laugh. I close the door behind me and sit down again, considering this, and truly, I find it so funny that I laugh until I cry. And when the tears come I think aah... So this is what it means to be alone. ↗

— John Boyne

#john-boyne #the-house-of-special-purpose #funny

There was still plenty of water in the basement, and I felt it soaking me from the knees on down. If someone wanted to torture me until I told them a critical piece of information, all they would have to do is get my socks wet. It feels terrible. ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#interrogation #socks #torture #funny

The irony of that is, what makes it kind of ironic, is when you do become successful as a professional athlete in particular, a lot of the young children who are emulating these stars do have a different perspective. ↗

— Frank Shorter

#become #children #different #different perspective #ironic