#ny

A brick could be used to make music. But why not use something more humane, like your armpit.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Carlos, are we in complete understanding with each other?” “Yeah,” I say. “As long as it’s not in your house and you don’t know about it, you’re okay with us messin’ around.” “I know you’re joking with me. You are joking with me, aren’t you?” “Maybe. ↗

— Simone Elkeles

#humour #romance #young-adult-fiction #young-adult-romance #funny

Imogene always sits on the remote. It’s probably wedged between her butt cheeks.” “Should I go get a crowbar? ↗

— Kirsten Miller

#paranormal-romance #funny

A brick could be used to locate the precise coordinates of the Masons. Just follow the bricks—and follow the money. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Lily, the girl who’d talked back to the jock, said, “I want to get as far away from my parents as possible. We’re like potassium and water.” The other kids laughed and I said, “Huh?” “If potassium comes into contact with water, it instantly combusts,” Lily said slowly so if she was talking to a child. ↗

— Marta Acosta

#nerd-joke #science #funny

Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years. ↗

— Simone Signoret

#chains #hold #hundreds #marriage #people

I understand that you don’t want to marry me,” I said. “I mean, I don’t know why, since I’m simply delightful to be around. But to each his own taste. ↗

— Merrie Haskell

#sarcasm #snark #funny

We were just speaking to your friend here about the craft of brewing potions to enhance the libido. It seems he has a wealth of knowledge regarding plants and herbs.”I lowered my eyes to him, my head swimming at the only part of her greeting that I actually heard “You mean you can brew potions to increase sex drive?”She looked confused. “Well of course! We are trying to save our people from extinction, which means we must mate as often as possible. We find the task can become arduous after eight or nine couplings. The potions are what keep us going. Why, it’s in the bath we’re soaking in now.”I thought I was having a small aneurism. “I knew it!” I shouted stupidly. “I thought I was losing my mind! ↗

— Alisha Basso

#libido-issues #funny

if my name was on a serious work like this it would never get fair treatment. They would all say I had tried to be funny and failed. ↗

— Jerome K. Jerome

#weeds #funny

A very ladylike bosom,” she said, approvingly. “There’s nothing there,” I complained. The clerk grinned. “I have been fitting bras for twenty-five years and no one ever thinks her breasts are good enough,” she said. “You’ll save yourself a lot of unhappiness if you accept and enjoy what you have. Neat little breasts are very chic. ↗

— Marta Acosta

#funny #funny