#ny

. . . and together you're what, the Super Friends? ↗

— Mark Jeffrey

#max-quick #two-travelers #funny

He flipped himself onto his side and kissed me. "You're so hot," I said, my hand still on his leg. "I'm starting to think you have an amputee fetish," he answered, still kissing me. I laughed. "I have an Augustus Waters fetish," I explained. ↗

— John Green

#funny #hazel-grace-lancaster #funny

Why would I go looking for someone I know wants to kill me? ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#harry-potter #sirius-black #funny

Two cannibals were eating a comedian, and one of them turns to the other and asks, 'Does this taste funny to you? ↗

— Nicholas Sparks

#the-lucky-one #funny

I want to put silencers on all guns. That way war will be nothing more than a whisper in the future. And all those who are caught whispering will be shot. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#future #guns #war #funny

I heard the car door shut and then Fabian's voice. "You won't believe what I found around the edge of your property," the ghost announced. "A cave with prehistoric painting inside it!" I rolled my eyes. That was the best tactic Fabian could come up with? This was a vampire he was trying to stall, not a paleontologist. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#fabian #funny #stalling #funny

He raised his hand in a peaceful gesture. "You need to relax a bit, dove. Like Mouse over there. You trust me, don't you, Mouse?" "Nope!" "Ahhh, I'm hurt. Nobody likes me. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#funny #julie #kate #kate-daniels #magic-burns

Holly's forgiven you?" "Almost mostly. But she still gives me slack about it when she's sick. I take it as a husbandly badge," he said, puffing out his chest. "Sick? You told me she was fully immortal." "Yeah, but she still throws up some, because, well, the thing of it is... Ah, fuck, Rydstrom, I knocked her up." "You're going to be a father?" Gods help the world. I'm going to be an uncle? "I got Holly, like, on the first shot. Nix is calling me Bull's-eye and the Womb Raider. ↗

— Kresley Cole

#funny #holly-s-pregnancy #kresley-cole #rydstrom #funny

I'm telling you this because I want you to know that I know something about you isn't right. You haven't fooled everybody. I'm going to find out what you're up to. I'm going to expose you." "Looking forward to it. ↗

— Becca Fitzpatrick

#expose #funny #hush-hush #nora-and-patch #nora-grey

the answer to every problem involved penguins ↗

— Rick Riordan

#penguins #funny