#median

I feel I'm as qualified for office as any of the other comedians who are running. ↗

— Grace Hansen

#comedians #feel #i #i feel #office

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson. ↗

— John Oliver

#hilarious #baseball

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#funny #humor #humorous #funny

The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever. ↗

— Gilbert Gottfried

#being funny #comedian #funny #given #i

I was stuck in the benefits of being a known comedian. ↗

— Andrea Martin

#benefits #comedian #i #known #stuck

I think having an outsider's viewpoint is interesting and good, especially for a comedian. ↗

— Paul Merton

#especially #good #having #i #i think

I mean, the death in the late eighties and early nineties really shook out a lot of hacks. The pond just sort of dried up for a lot of really bad comedians. ↗

— Patton Oswalt

#comedians #death #dried #early #eighties

Even when I lecture per se, I am a joke comedian, I can do the voices. ↗

— Dave Pelzer

#comedian #even #i #i am #i can

Shut up…let me tell you, LET ME. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you’re real. I don’t have enough time in any day to think about you enough...I don’t even think about women anymore. I think about you. ↗

— Louis C.K.

#louis-ck #love #romance #unrequited-love #love

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. ↗

— Fred Allen

#been #comedian #comedy #compelled #compete