#l

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' ↗

— Rodney Dangerfield

#beat #god #i #know #make

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. ↗

— Rodney Dangerfield

#could #guys #hear #i #laughing

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. ↗

— Rodney Dangerfield

#came #cement #felt #hand #i

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. ↗

— Rodney Dangerfield

#kids #like #looking #me #out

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. ↗

— Rodney Dangerfield

#being #controlled #girl #i #last

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other! ↗

— Rodney Dangerfield

#every #every night #goes #i #me

I missed you every minute this week and I don't want to spend another day without you. If my mom disowns me for being with a vampire, then that's her decision, but I've made mine, and I won't apologize of back down from it. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#grave #halfway #decisions

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. ↗

— Rodney Dangerfield

#found #i #i always #kid #lot

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. ↗

— Rodney Dangerfield

#actor #acts #deals #delicate #does

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. ↗

— Rodney Dangerfield

#always #day #did #eye #garbage