#jokes

A man could shoot a squirrel out of a tree from a distance of sixty feet. But he couldn't vomit into a bucket or pee into a pot only two feet away. It was one of the great mysteries of life. ↗

— Maggie Osborne

#man-jokes #mystery-of-life #silver-lining #life

I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes. ↗

— Sandra Bernhard

#comic #consider #i #jokes #myself

I like the purity of stand-up because it is all about whether people laugh at your jokes. Either they laugh or they don't. ↗

— Jo Brand

#because #either #i #jokes #laugh

The most casual examination will reveal the fact that all the jokes about the horrible results of masculine cooking and sewing are written by men. It is all part of a great scheme of sex propaganda. ↗

— Heywood Broun

#casual #cooking #examination #fact #great

I love my jokes. ↗

— Dave Chappelle

#i love #jokes #love

Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives. ↗

— Robert Collier

#between #cannot #continually #difference #eventually

I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended. ↗

— Billy Connolly

#audience #auditorium #because #been #between

Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline. ↗

— Larry David

#before #feel #i #jokes #just

I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny. ↗

— Paula Deen

#because #care #funny #haters #i

My whole family is very sarcastic and constantly making jokes. ↗

— Emily Deschanel

#family #jokes #making #sarcastic #very