#in

Where have you been?" I asked weakly. A few minutes ago I would have rather died than questioned him. Let him know I care. But I'm too sick to be strong, kick ass Rayne at the moment. "Vegas" he says. I raise an eyebrows. "Uh, okay. Win anything?" I can't believe he was off gambling as I lay dying. I mean, I know poker is hot and all, but couldn't he have waited a couple of days for that straight flush? "I got what I went for, if that's what you mean." "What, a lap dance?" He chuckes. "Even sick, you're still funny, Rayne. ↗

— Mari Mancusi

#dying #jareth #rayne #vegas #funny

Funny,’ Will said, as they picked their way through. ‘Things are absolutely awful and yet people look much happier than usual. Look at them all. Bubbling.’ ‘They are English,’ Merriman said. ‘Quite right,’ said Will’s father. ‘Splendid in adversity, tedious when safe. Never content, in fact. We’re an odd lot…. ↗

— Susan Cooper

#humour #the-dark-is-rising #truism #funny

Pastors are starting to get wily. When people tell my friend, 'I'm not being fed,' he replies, 'I'm prefectly happy to spoon feed my one-year-old. But if I'm still spoon-feeding him when he's five, we've got a problem. Here's a fork. Feed yourself. ↗

— Jon Acuff

#christians #funny #inspirational #spiritual-growth #funny

I’m running a marathon. I won’t be jogging, walking, or sprinting, but I will be overseeing it. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #marathon #running #funny

I'm good at blowjob. ↗

— Lauren Baker

#erotic #finding-home #funny-humor #sex #funny

I would never say snog. I would say osculate.” She looks at me as if to say: why do you exist? ↗

— Joe Dunthorne

#kissing #funny

Which is your bad shoulder?" His brows knit together. "The left," he said carefully. She slugged him in the right. He staggered. Steadied himself. Grinned. "Is that like some weird Wyoming mating ritual thing I should know about?" "Damn you," she cried, flying into his arms. Finally. "Damn you, damn you, damn you!" He wrapped his arms around her, held her tight. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was such a coward. ↗

— Cindy Gerard

#cindy-gerard #funny #happy-ending #humor #love

Blankets make great traps for the clinically insane, but a straightjacket might work better. ↗

— Nicole McKay

#brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny #humor

Bricks could take the place of corporate CEOs. They have about the same level of thinking, but bricks are far more ethical than most CEOs. ↗

— Amy Summers

#brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #business #ceos

Blankets have been used by companies for years for enterprise risk management because it is much easier to cover up problems than it is to identify and fix them. ↗

— Amy Summers

#brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #business #enterprise-risk-management