#humour

Tom, how many children do you think I have to have before I figure out you get them by having sex?" "Of course there would be protection," he offered. "Tons of it. ↗

— Robyn Carr

#robyn-carr #romance #romantic #romantic

Finally, Charlie gave up the hunt and placed (the puppy) back on the floor, dispatching fleas was not his idea of a romantic evening, unless you happened to be a twisted exterminator, he thought. ↗

— E.A. Bucchianeri

#fleas #funny #humor #humour #pass-the-fleas-please

The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double-backwards-somersault through a hoop whilst whistling the 'Star Spangled Banner', but in fact the message was this: So long and thanks for all the fish. ↗

— Douglas Adams

#science-fiction #science

That's where humour lives for me. In the body. The Steve Martin kind of stuff or Jim Carrey, that's what I like. I've always felt that's what I would like to do. ↗

— Al Pacino

#body #carrey #felt #humour #i

Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#destruction #earthquakes #floods #funny #funny-and-random

All I could determine was that it must have been a nice thing to see if it was a house you were thinking about moving into. But not so nice if it was the house you were moving out from. I could practically hear Mr Collins, who had taught my fifth-grade English class and was still the most intimidating teacher I'd ever had, yelling at me. "Amy Curry," I could still hear him intoning, "never end a sentence with a preposition!" Irked that after six hears he was still mentally correcting me, I told the Mr. Collins in my head to off fuck. ↗

— Morgan Matson

#books #funny #humour #funny

Rhiannon's Law #16: If it looks like a rabbit, and it hops like a rabbit, run the other way and fast. That shit is liable to tear you arm off. ↗

— J.A. Saare

#funny #humor #humour #rabbit #funny

I enjoy humour more than anything, I don't really sit around banging my head and crying all the time. ↗

— Joaquin Phoenix

#around #banging #crying #enjoy #head

Sophie, honey, stop looking at me like that,” Garrett said gruffly. “You’ll have me convinced I’m going to die.” “You’re not? ↗

— Maya Banks

#humour #romance #romantic-suspense #funny

I must have read every issue of 'Punch' published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour - that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like 'Three Men in a Boat.' ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#amiable #boat #century #english #every