#humour

You put cow dung on my face?’ ‘Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear? ↗

— Renita D'Silva

#funny-humor #humor #humour #india #indian-author

Isn’t he cute? That he thinks he has a sense of humour? ↗

— Robyn Carr

#funny #humour #romance #funny

What the fuck is going on Lor? What the hell did you do last night? What did you say to Kacey? Who the hell is Blue Eyes and why is my car spray-painted with the word ‘asshole’?” Spray-paint? Oh dear God, what have I done? ↗

— J.C. McClean

#hangover #humour #funny

To be honest, my life has exhibited many strange and sometimes troubling characteristics, but shortness is not one of them. It feels like an eternity since I started school and a techno-social epoch since I moved to San Francisco. My phone couldn't even connect to the internet back then. ↗

— Robin Sloan

#technology #life

I'd said it before and meant it.Alive or undead,the love of my life was a bad ass. ↗

— Richelle Mead

#life

I'm not stupid and I'm not brainy. I just lack execution sometimes. I'm more of a "I should have said that" kind of gal. But there will be other days when I'll have a comback that'll knock ya flat and you knows it brov! ha-ha! ↗

— Ellie Williams

#common-ground #elliewilliams #humourous-situations #life #pressures

The definition of an expert: x is an unknown quantity spurt is a drip under pressure ↗

— Anonymous or Vincent Bellini

#science #science

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions ↗

— Bill Hicks

#humour

What was up with class today? It was watered-down porn. He practically had you and Patch on top of your lab table, horizontal, minus your clothes, doing the Big Deed. ↗

— Becca Fitzpatrick

#humour #sarcasm #today

I had an uneventful few days," it told her. "The most exciting thing was an hour-long lecture from the headmaster on taking our studies seriously. He said next year's exam will arrive sooner than we think." "No, they won't," Valkyrie said, frowning. "They'll arrive next year, exactly when we expect them." "That's what I told him," the reflection nodded. "I don't think he's comfortable with logic, because he didn't look happy. He sent me to the Career Guidance counsellor, who asked me what I wanted to do after college." Valkyrie stowed her black clothes. "What did you say?" "I told her I wanted to be a Career Guidance counsellor. She started crying, then accused me of mocking her. I told her if she wasn't happy in her job then she should look at other options, then pointed out that I was already doing her job better than she was. She gave me detention. ↗

— Derek Landy

#humour #reflection #funny