#humour

The trouble with England, he thinks, is that it's so poor in gesture. We shall have to develop a hand signal for ‘Back off, our prince is fucking this man's daughter.’ He is surprised that the Italians have not done it. Though perhaps they have, and he just never caught on. ↗

— Hilary Mantel

#england

Like the famous mad philosopher said, when you stare into the void, the void stares also; but if you cast into the void, you get a type conversion error. (Which just goes to show Nietzsche wasn't a C++ programmer.) ↗

— Charles Stross

#humour #philosophical

Fred said, “Man, I think he’s gonna make a fuckin’ suit of human skin, using the best parts from each of us.” “Holy crap,” said John. “He’ll be gorgeous. ↗

— David Wong

#humour #horror

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?! ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#pants #twitter #wishes #twitter

The Yankees' Facebook page was hacked. The hacker was immediately purchased and signed to a 5 year contract with the Yankees. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#facebook #hacking #humour #new-york-yankees #sport

Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall say "attaboy". ↗

— Christopher Moore

#humour #gospel

Maxim 8: Mockery and derision have their place. Usually, it's on the far side of the airlock. -The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries ↗

— Howard Tayler

#humour #mockery #rules-to-live-by #sci-fi #sci-fi

Ennesby, get the Serial Peacemaker to the beach for dustoff. Dustoff? You're going to run away from three guys? No, I'm going to kill or capture those three guys, and then run away from the Police. -Captain Kevyn Andreyasn & General Tagon ↗

— Howard Tayler

#evasive-action #humour #military #sci-fi #sci-fi

W turned on his heel and began walking toward the door at the far wall. And by walking I mean, of course, not moving at all, at least not to the naked eye, because his strides could only be measured in micrometers. His creaky legs made barely the tiniest of forward steps, so he’d taken four strides before I noticed any lateral movement at all. “I'll be right back.” “Geologically speaking, of course,” HARV said. ↗

— John Zakour

#sci-fi #sci-fi-humour-comedy #sci-fi

I really hope he shapes up, you know? He’s got a good head on his shoulders when he’s not trying to give himself alcohol poisoning. ↗

— Hailey Abbott

#alcohol