#humorous

...I gotta burn these scales... sigh* ↗

— Hiroko Sakai

#funny #humorous #scale #weight #diet

He crouched at the care window and looked in. "What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They're all lovely. Except for that one." His finger jabbed the glass. "That one's a bit ugly." The American stepped towards him. "What? What did you say?" "Oh, don't worry. I'm sure his personality makes up for his face. ↗

— Derek Landy

#humor #humorous #insults #random #what-the-hell

Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead. ↗

— Chuck Palahniuk

#death-and-dying #humor #humorous #humorous-quotations #internet

Yea though I walk through the Valley of Death, I shall fear no evil, for I am the baddest M-F in the valley. ↗

— Cherise Sinclair

#death

I was out of salt so I threw pepper over my left shoulder for luck and the poor guy behind me almost sneezed himself to death. ↗

— Stanley Victor Paskavich

#death

It's not what I'd want for at my funeral. When I die, I just want them to plant me somewhere warm. And then when the pretty women walk over my grave I would grab their ankles, like in that movie. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#death #funerals #humorous #death

[Like they say,] small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. ↗

— Dave Courtney

#death

Ish #19 "If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking? ↗

— Regina Griffin

#funny-but-true #funny-quotes #humor #humorous #diet

I am Midnight (cats stare dumbfounded) ↗

— Erin Hunter

#humor

But the three siblings were not born yesterday. Violet was born more than fifteen years before this particular Wednesday, and Klaus was born approximately two years after that, and even Sunny who had just passed out of babyhood, was not born yesterday. Neither were you, unless of course I am wrong, in which case, welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to read so early in life. ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#humor