#humorous

I need you to get inside Wayne's head. I need someone who thinks a bit left field and in your own unpleasant way, Helen Walsh, you're a genius. He had a point. I'm lazy and illogical. I've limited people skills. I'm easily bored and easily irritated. But I have moments of brilliance. They come and they go and I can't depend on them but they do happen. ↗

— Marian Keyes

#humorous #turn-of-phrase #family

People don't tend to employ me. I'm the wrong personality type. Or rather, people do tend to employ me for a short time and then they sack me. A film broker once told me, as she terminated my contract, that I have a misleading sort of face. "You're pretty", she complained. "Your features are symmetrical and there was an article in Grazia that says human beings are programmed to find those with symmetrical features more pleasing to they eye. So this isn't my fault, I was simply responding to a biological imperative. You've even teeth, so when you smile, you look...sweet, I suppose. But you're not, are you?" "I hope not," I said. "You see, there you go again. You're a smart-arse and you've no ability to filter your thoughts---" "And my thoughts are often abrasive." "Exactly." "I'll just get my brushes and sponges and leave." "If you would. ↗

— Marian Keyes

#humorous #turn-of-phrase #way-with-words #family

I do believe in killing the messanger. You know why? Its sends a message. ↗

— L.J. Smith

#humor

A Man can Live two Weeks without Food, go two days without Water, and two minutes without Air, and apparently, an entire lifetime without a BRAIN. ↗

— Walter Thomas Jr

#food

Vegtables, what food eats before it becomes food. ↗

— David Weber

#food

When the watermelons were as large as a child's head, the women boiled them, but they collapsed into a tasteless green mush that no one could eat, not the children, not the cow. ↗

— Annie Proulx

#historical #humorous #mistakes #food

Locavore?" But before he could answer, I figured it out. "Someone who eats food produced locally? As opposed to locovore, someone who eats crazy people? ↗

— Mari Donne

#food

As soon as a friendship passed a certain point - some obscure and secret boundary - a woman quite automatically became overwhelmed by a raging compulsion to complicate things. ↗

— David Eddings

#women #friendship

Ish #153 "Artificial plants grow best in artificial light. ↗

— Regina Griffin

#funny-quotes #humor #humorous #tags-funny-and-random #funny

Screw you," I told him in a low voice. "Are you offering?” "From what I've heard, there isn't much to screw," I shot back. ↗

— Richelle Mead

#humor