#humorous

Tyson dropped the two warriors he was about to tie into a knot and jogged after us. He jumped on the centaur's back. 'Dude!' the centaur groaned, almost buckling under Tyson's weight. 'Do the words "low-carb diet" mean anything to you? ↗

— Rick Riordan

#diet #humorous #tyson #diet

Mother said we had reached the Age of Reason and had to be good now. We must have because we wanted Willy Starr instead. ↗

— Marie Clair

#age

You could have heard a bee fluff ↗

— S.W. Lothian

#humorous #middle-age #age

Anything else, Your Majesty?" "I didn't say my prayers." "I'll say them for you. Our father who art in et cetera, bless all the rotten cousins and kill Jenny. Amen. ↗

— Maggie Osborne

#art

Romeo, o Romeo, wherefore art thou o Romeo? ↗

— William Shakespeare

#art

...I gotta burn these scales... sigh* ↗

— Hiroko Sakai

#funny #humorous #scale #weight #diet

How come I have too many things to do all the time...?? ↗

— Hiroko Sakai

#funny #humorous #time #business

(About sweeping).... What he was in FACT doing was moving the dirt around with a broom, to give it a change of scenery and a chance to make new friends. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humorous #ironic #irony #laughable #change

While a kind man was working up the nerve to ask me on a date, I was working up the nerve to kill him with my bare hands ↗

— Amy McAuley

#dating

He crouched at the care window and looked in. "What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They're all lovely. Except for that one." His finger jabbed the glass. "That one's a bit ugly." The American stepped towards him. "What? What did you say?" "Oh, don't worry. I'm sure his personality makes up for his face. ↗

— Derek Landy

#humor #humorous #insults #random #what-the-hell