#humor

Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy! ↗

— Demetri Martin

#comedy #equivocation #funny #humor #funny

You are the Energizer Bunny for badasses. -Ash ↗

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

#humor #funny

If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #identity #funny

I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long way towards relieving my wedgie. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #night-vision #wedgie #funny

The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor #joke #vindictive #funny

I’m faster than the rest of you, if .. Because I’m a vampire,” Michael said, and it was some kind of breakthrough for him to say that. “If you get in trouble, I’ll be there.” “Nice,” Shane said. “I’m warming up to this bloodsucking thing, Mikey.” “No, you’re not.” “Okay, no, I’m not, but right now let’s pretend I am. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#eve-rosser #funny #ghost-town #humor #michael-glass

I met Elton John at an Interview dinner, and we just sort of became friends. He's got such a wicked sense of humor. ↗

— Moby

#dinner #elton #elton john #friends #got

Terrible accident; body parts was everywhere—-fingers, toes, wings, beaks. Ambulance people tried to scoop him all up, but apparently it ain’t so easy as you might think—telling a chicken from a Chinaman, I mean. Anyways, they got his weight off his driver’s license, picked up a hundred and thirty pounds of pieces and buried ‘em. Now his wife come every year 'bout this time to pay her respects. We don't serve chicken while she's here. Hope you ain't got a taste for it. ↗

— R.J. Leahy

#fat-chance #humor #mystery #respect

Tony and I had a good on and off screen relationship, we are two very different people, but we did share a sense of humor, we now live in different parts of the world but when we find ourselves in the same place it is more or less as if there had been no years in between. ↗

— Roger Moore

#between #did #different #different parts #different people

the table of elements does not contain one of the most powerful elements that make up our world, and that is the element of surprise. ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#science-humor #funny