#humor

You let the cops in. Thy've brought in a ram to take down the front door. A white chick in an evening gown will settle the cops faster than a brother with guns. ↗

— Faith Hunter

#faith

Well, I have lost you; and I lost you fairly; In my own way, and with my full consent. Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarely Went to their deaths more proud than this one went. Some nights of apprehension and hot weeping I will confess; but that's permitted me; Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keeping Rubbed in a cage a wing that would be free. If I had loved you less or played you slyly I might have held you for a summer more, But at the cost of words I value highly, And no such summer as the one before. Should I outlive this anguish, and men do, I shall have only good to say of you. ↗

— Edna St. Vincent Millay

#humor #true-to-life #way-to-be #death

The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far. ↗

— Stephen Colbert

#weight #humor

About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him -- which I assumed was wildly out of his control -- that wanted me dead. And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he has kissed me. ↗

— The Harvard Lampoon

#humor

He had about the same life expectancy as a three legged hedgehog on a six lane motorway. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor