#humor

Oh- and grab the plastic bag over by my suitcase." I slug down the last of the coffee and get up. The bag contains panty hose. I put them on her desk. "They're for you." "You want me to look homeless, desperate, but also kind of fabulous? ↗

— Holly Black

#hilarious #humor #funny

Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals. ↗

— Agnes Repplier

#distorts #earthly #false #gods #laughed

You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude. ↗

— Don Rickles

#attitude #comedy #personality #study #within

Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that. ↗

— Don Rickles

#correctness #humor #i #into #much

The combination of landing the biggest interview of my career and having a drill in my back reminds me that God only gives us what we can handle and that it helps to have a good sense of humor when we run smack into the absurdity of life. ↗

— Robin Roberts

#back #biggest #career #combination #drill

THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL 1. We are here to help you. 2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings. 3. The dress code will be enforced. 4. No smoking is allowed on school grounds. 5. Our football team will win the championship this year. 6. We expect more of you here. 7. Guidance counselors are always available to listen. 8. Your schedule was created with you in mind. 9. Your locker combination is private. 10. These will be the years you look back on fondly. TEN MORE LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL 1. You will use algebra in your adult lives. 2. Driving to school is a privilege that can be taken away. 3. Students must stay on campus during lunch. 4. The new text books will arrive any day now. 5. Colleges care more about you than your SAT scores. 6. We are enforcing the dress code. 7. We will figure out how to turn off the heat soon. 8. Our bus drivers are highly trained professionals. 9. There is nothing wrong with summer school. 10. We want to hear what you have to say. ↗

— Laurie Halse Anderson

#school #humor

Why are we bringing him along, again?" Will inquired, of the world in general as well as his sister. Cecily put her hands on her hips. "Why are you bringing Tessa?" "Because Tessa and I are going to be married," Will said, and Tessa smiled; the way that Will's little sister could ruffle his feathers like no one else was still amusing to her. "Well, Gabriel and I might well be married," Cecily said. "Someday." Gabriel made a choking noise, and turned an alarming shade of purple. Will threw up his hands. "You can't be married Cecily! You're only fifteen! When I get married, I'll be eighteen! An adult!" Cecily did not look impressed. "We may have a long engagement," she said. "But I cannot see why you are counseling me to marry a man my parents have never met." Will sputtered. "I am not counseling you to marry a man your parents have never met!" "Then we are in agreement. Gabriel must meet Mam and Dad. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#gabriel-lightwood #humor #marriage #p- #humor

Humor results when society says you can't scratch certain things in public, but they itch in public. ↗

— Tom Walsh

#certain things #humor #itch #public #results

I just told them that dear Uncle Silas has gone away on a long journey," she said. "They're such mites, you know, and I've never let them hear about Death, or have ugly toys or stories about ogres and things. I mean, I do frightfully believe in keeping their little minds free from everything but happy, beautiful things, don't you? ↗

— Georgette Heyer

#beauty

I wouldn’t want to be the most beautiful man on earth. No, I’m content to be the second most beautiful man. Second from the bottom. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #beauty