#humor

It is clear that men accept an immediate pain rather than an immediate pleasure, but only because they expect a greater pleasure in the future. Often the pleasure is illusory, but their error in calculation is no refutation of the rule. You are puzzled because you cannot get over the idea that pleasures are only of the sense; but, child, a man who dies for his country dies because he likes it as surely as a man eats pickled cabbage because he likes it. ↗

— W. Somerset Maugham

#humor #life #pleasure #death

A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself. ↗

— Doug Larson

#form #lowest #lowest form #pun #thought

Don't wish me happiness - I don't expect to be happy it's gotten beyond that, somehow. Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor - I will need them all. ↗

— Anne Morrow Lindbergh

#be happy #beyond #courage #expect #gotten

Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#americans #attic #awesome #export #funny

Ritual he liked, but compulsory routine he hated. Thus, he resented every minute that he now had to surrender to showering, shampooing, shaving, and flossing and brushing his teeth. If mere men could devise self-defrosting refrigerators and self-cleaning ovens, why couldn't nature, in all its complex, inventive magnificence, have managed to come up with self-cleaning teeth? "There's birth," he grumbled, "there's death, and in between there's maintenance. ↗

— Tom Robbins

#life #tom-robbins #death

Rachel delivered it like an official pronouncement. Like she was one of the fairies gifting Sleeping Beauty's christening: Beauty. Intelligence. Heterosexual. ↗

— Josh Lanyon

#beauty

A man of sense only trifles with them, plays with them, humors and flatters them, as he does with a sprightly and forward child; but he neither consults them about, nor trusts them with, serious matters. ↗

— Lord Chesterfield

#child #consults #does #flatters #forward

Good humor is the health of the soul, sadness is its poison. ↗

— Lord Chesterfield

#health #humor #poison #sadness #soul

Can you be a girl for a few seconds?" "I'm always a girl" I frown. "You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl" I twirl my hair around my finger. "Kay. ↗

— Veronica Roth

#divergent #funny #humor #tris #veronica-roth

Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #nose-job #one-liner #funny