#humor

If you’re in a street fight, you don’t go after a man’s ball sack. Respect the street code. ↗

— Martin Reed

#respect

The next time? Oh, my dear Eliza, you're not going to carry on with this, are you? The Faceless Ones had their chance. They returned and they were sent away again. It's time to move on. Time to take up another hobby, like crocheting, or serial killing. ↗

— Derek Landy

#hobbies #humor #skulduggery-pleasant #death

Kissing him last night at the pep rally had been like kissing an underpass. ↗

— George Saunders

#humor #similes #simile

I was having the surreal experience of having myself show myself around my office and bullpen.” “Oh! My desk. I could’ve sat at my desk. I could’ve sat at your desk.” “No.” “It’s a vid set.” “Even then, no. ↗

— J.D. Robb

#death

The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough meat to last for weeks. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cannibalism #death #food #funeral #humor

Awwww," Minho said. "That's almost as sweet as that time she slammed the end of a spear into your shuck face. ↗

— James Dashner

#the-death-cure #death

Probably the last man who knew how it worked had been tortured to death years before. Or as soon as it was installed. Killing the creator was a traditional method of patent protection. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor #death

A pity it was so early in the day and I couldn't treat myself to the roller coaster. we'll have to come back, you and I, and make up for it." "Sure, when I've lost my mind and want to rush screaming through the air in a little car. ↗

— J.D. Robb

#death

A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy. ↗

— Jerry Seinfeld

#death

And you know," Jeanne said, looking down at Sylvia with her hands on her hips, "that's how I want to go. Taking my own way out... and totally pissing everybody off at the end. ↗

— L.J. Smith

#death