#humor

Which way did they go, Peeves?" Filch was saying. "Quick, tell me." "Say 'please.'" "Don't mess with me, Peeves, now where did they go?" "Shan't say nothing if you don't say please," said Peeves in his annoying singsong voice. "All right- PLEASE." "NOTHING! Ha haaa! Told you I wouldn't say nothing if you didn't say please! Ha ha! Haaaaaa!" And they heard the sound of Peeves whooshing away and Filch cursing in rage. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#funny #harry-potter #humor #peeves #please

A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase “hurry up and wait. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#fitness #funny #humor #funny

And if you dont come back from the dorm, I'm the one who has to explain to Micheal how I let you go off and get yourself killed like a Dumbass. First rule in horror movies, Clair-Never split up! ↗

— Rachel Caine

#funny

Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days. ↗

— Ellen DeGeneres

#humor #inspirational #funny

A poem for Beth: Roses are red, Violets are blue, I didn’t know what love meant, until I looked it up in the dictionary.

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— Jarod Kintz

#funny #love #poem #poet #poetry

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God. ↗

— Bill Cosby

#because #funny #future #god #hope

I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#ambitious #delusional #funny #hard-work #humor

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase. ↗

— George Carlin

#funny #humor #peace #funny

I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket.
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— Jarod Kintz

#dancing #funny #greed #greedy #humor

Would women find vampires even sexier and more romantic if instead of fangs they had rose thorns? It’s thoughts like these I think of when digging in my garden, looking for my one true love (If only I could remember where I buried her!).
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— Jarod Kintz

#garden #humor #romance #romantic #roses