#humor

She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse "I love you" with "May I take your order? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cashier #confusion #daydreaming #delusional #fantasy

Inigo Montoya: He's right on top of us. I wonder if he is using the same wind we are using. ↗

— William Goldman

#inigo #humor

...inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor #age

Fool! Nothing but black ink runs through my veins! ↗

— Hiromu Arakawa

#fma #fullmetal-alchemist #humor #manga #humor

I've seen a lot of movies where a kid my age finds out he's got magical powers and then gets invited to go away to some special school. Well, if I've got an invitation coming, now would be the perfect time to get it ↗

— Jeff Kinney

#humor #age

People ask me what I am politically and I've previously offered this equation: I became a conservative by being around liberals. And I became a libertarian after being around conservatives. ↗

— Greg Gutfeld

#liberty #politics #age

There is a sort of mental treason That smothers dreams outside of reason ↗

— Mike Corbett

#demons #heaven #hell #intelligent-humor #irreverent-humor

I hear your insults and plan to silence them with my victory. ↗

— Claudia Gray

#humor #humor

When I came out of anesthesia, I wanted two things: my husband and my dog. They wouldn't let the dog in the recovery room. ↗

— Sandy Nathan

#health #humor #inspirational #new-age #age

Who embalms the Undertaker when he dies? ↗