#hum

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons. ↗

— Douglas MacArthur

#military #humor

Still it might be nice, once in a while, not to have to choose between evils. Just once, couldn't I choose the lesser good? ↗

— Laurell K. Hamilton

#humor #humor

Speak in French when you can’t think of the English for a thing-- turn your toes out when you walk--- And remember who you are! ↗

— Lewis Carroll

#alice-in-wonderland #french #humor #lewis-carroll #remember

I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it’s simply called Job. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#employment #hilarious #humor #jarod-kintz #job

Xander: To read makes our speaking English good. ↗

— Ashley Gable

#grammar-humor #humor #language #humor

I'm not absolutely certain of the facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare who says that it's always just when a fellow is feeling particularly braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with the bit of lead piping. ↗

— P.G. Wodehouse

#humor #pessimism #humor

He had a bleeding cut on his leg and he smelled like shit. Her nose wrinkled. "Step in something?" she asked innocently. "That I did not mind." He took a menacing step toward her. "What I did mind was being hit by a cab, then landing on the lap of a naked man. With an erection, Anya. He had an erection. ↗

— Gena Showalter

#humor

Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, "Why me?", then a voice answers "Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up. ↗

— Charles M. Schulz

#humor #peanuts #humor

Garcia wondered why people with JESUS stickers on their bumper always drove twenty miles per hour under the speed limit. If God was my co-pilot, he thought, I'd be doing a hundred and twenty. ↗

— Carl Hiaasen

#humor #humor

You're a monster. Thanks. Does this mean I get a raise? No, just a medal. The budget isn't inexhaustable. ↗

— Orson Scott Card

#humor