#hum

I was quite a looker in my time," she said. Was she reading his mind, or only being smart, to know she must be hideous? "Oh, had they invented time as long ago as that? ↗

— Gregory Maguire

#old-age #age

The longest 60 seconds in the world occur when someone says, “I’ll be there in a minute.”
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #late #minute #time #waiting

I'm over the hill for come-on lines. On a quiet day, I can hear my liver rotting. For exercise, I fall down. ~ Clete ↗

— James Lee Burke

#humor #pick-up-lines #age

I’ll tell you what love is. Love is walking up and down Archer Road in Gainesville, Florida and feeling like Cupid. Too bad the cops took issue with me hitch hiking with a bow and arrow. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #gainesville #humor #love #age

The face staring back at me isn't beautiful but she isn't something that would scare the horses, either. ↗

— Libba Bray

#beauty

A blanket is a shield, blocking out the breeze, and an insulator, keeping in body heat.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Help yourself to a bottle of wine. They’re all empty.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#hospitality #humor #wine #funny

Alan: "I had terrible stage fright." Sin: "I'm not familiar with the concept of 'stage fright.'" A: "It's pretty awful. You end up having to picture the entire audience in their underwear. Phyllis was in that audience, you know." S: "Why, Alan, I had no idea your tastes ran that way." A: "Phyllis is a very nice lady. And I do not consider her so much aged as matured, like a fine wine. But I still think you owe me an archery lesson. ↗

— Sarah Rees Brennan

#ya #age

So where does the name Adam's apple come from? Most people say that it is from the notion that this bump was caused by the forbidden fruit getting stuck in the throat of Adam in the Garden of Eden. There is a problem with this theory because some Hebrew scholars believe that the forbidden fruit was the pomegranate. The Koran claims that the forbidden fruit was a banana. So take your pick---Adam's apple, Adam's pomegranate, Adam's banana. Eve clearly chewed before swallowing. ↗

— Mark Leyner

#funny #humorous #irony #relationships #funny

Have you been reading those books that clueless illiterate Duja in charge of the lending library lets you borrow?’ ‘No, Ma.’ ‘Then what put you in mind of devils possessing nuns to take over the church? ↗

— Renita D'Silva

#humour #india #indian-fiction #women-s-fiction #funny