#hilarious

He ignored me, thank God, saying to Kat, "Let go of Frosty's leash. You're choking the life out of him." Kat's eyes narrowed to tiny slits, a sure sign of her aggression. "He deserves to choke. He didn't keep little frosty in his pants this summer." the words snapped like a whip. "He did." Cole snapped back with unwavering confidence. "Not." "Did." "Not!" "Did," "Not, not, not!" she shouted with a stomp of her foot. "What are we five?" Cole said. "Six. ↗

— Gena Showalter

#cole #hilarious #kat #life

Happy is one of the many things I'm likely to be over the course of a day and certainly over the course of a lifetime. But I think if you have the expectation that you're going to be happy throughout your life--more to the point, if you have a need to be comfortable all the time--well, among other things, you have the makings of a classic drug addict or alcoholic. ↗

— Carrie Fisher

#life

Laboratory scientists use formaldehyde as a disinfectant or preservative. They don't fucking drink it. ↗

— Rory Freedman

#love

Okay," she said as he lit the candle and hummed the birthday song. "You know,this is all very Jake Ryan of you." "Who's Jake Ryan?" "The hottie from Sixteen Candles—the best teenage movie ever made. The last scene looks just like this," she said, looking around the room. "All right, well, don't you go wishing for him when you blow out the candle." "I love you,Jace. You're the only thing I want. ↗

— Phoebe Lane

#hilarious #love #romantic #love

Mr. Benedict: "After I woke up and composed myself, however, I realized the flowers must certainly be yours, Constance, to do with as you please. At any rate -- " Mr.Benedict broke off, for just then Constance jumped to her feet, snatched the bouquet from his desk, and hurled it into the wastebasket with all the force she could muster -- so hard that flower petals flew up out of the wastebasket like tiny pink butterflies. Then placing her hands against the wall to steady herself, she stomped one foot repeatedly into the wastebasket as if trying to put out a fire. "I see we are of the same opinion," said Mr. Benedict as Constance returned to her seat, and the others congratulated her on her judgment. ↗

— Trenton Lee Stewart

#constance #hilarious #judgment

I find it very easy playing Bond. I think he's hilarious. He gets himself into some extraordinarily funny situations. ↗

— Daniel Craig

#easy #extraordinarily #find #funny #gets

I know my life is full of awkward pauses, and I think it's hilarious. ↗

— Josh Hutcherson

#full #hilarious #i #i think #know

I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me “F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I’ll bunch up my knuckles and punch them in the face. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#friendship #hilarious #humor #punch #ravings

A friend told me about the casting notice for 'Queer Eye.' I was in Chicago and I had a contract with 'Esquire' magazine, so had been coming to New York City regularly and thought I'd catch a cheap flight, crash on a friend's sofa and do this hilarious audition that I had no chance of winning. ↗

— Ted Allen

#audition #been #casting #catch #chance

I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #genitals #hilarious #humor #naughty