#hilarious

Oh man, Alex. That's sad. Seriously, mate, go get yourself laid." "What?" He gave Baldrick a quick kiss on his little head--he didn't care how stupid he looked, he loved his ugly cat--and put him down on his kitty bed in the corner. "Isn't that what single sad people do--get cats when they've given up on human companionship? ↗

— L.A. Gilbert

#the-truth-about-cats #love

Pussy punch: when a twat tap just isn't enough ↗

— Tara Sivec

#seduction

Will you show me what you really look like? You don't sparkle, do you? ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#hilarious #katy #sparkly #hilarious

Mr. Benedict: "After I woke up and composed myself, however, I realized the flowers must certainly be yours, Constance, to do with as you please. At any rate -- " Mr.Benedict broke off, for just then Constance jumped to her feet, snatched the bouquet from his desk, and hurled it into the wastebasket with all the force she could muster -- so hard that flower petals flew up out of the wastebasket like tiny pink butterflies. Then placing her hands against the wall to steady herself, she stomped one foot repeatedly into the wastebasket as if trying to put out a fire. "I see we are of the same opinion," said Mr. Benedict as Constance returned to her seat, and the others congratulated her on her judgment. ↗

— Trenton Lee Stewart

#constance #hilarious #judgment

So..." Heather nodded slowly. "We're still here." "Yep. I think your team of SWAT guys got lost. Probably looking for their shirts." She made a face at him. "You're effing hilarious." "I try. ↗

— Chelsea Fine

#chelsea-fine #gabriel #heather #hilarious

When the officer approached the window, he said ‘Papers’ and before he could finish, I shouted, ‘Scissors! I win,’ and drove off. ↗

— Kyle Adams

#hilarious

Just giving Jenny a last minute pep talk before the race," Drew informs him. "There's no need for that, Claire is going to kick everyone's ass." Carter says. Drew laughs and shakes his head. "Oh that's hilarious, limp dick! I know for a fact that Jenny will be the victor." "The Victor? Who's Victor? Is that like some vibrator champion or something? Is the race named after this Victor guy?" Claire pats my shoulder and just smiles at me. I guess she already knows about Victor. I'm always the last to know everything. ↗

— Tara Sivec

#jenny #vibrator-race #hilarious

Huh," said Percy. "Never seen Jason fly before. He looks like a blond superman. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#so-percy #hilarious

He always believed that people live up or down to the amount of trust you put in them. ↗

— Hilary Duff

#people #trust #hilarious

so the story goes but theres something you should know before i walk away and i blow the ending i never want to be without you oh no here i go now you know what i feel about you theres no running must have been wrong to doubt you oh there i go no control and i'm fallen so now you know ↗

— Hilary Duff

#hilary-duff #now-you-know #hilarious