#hi

Why would Dad call you? I mean, you have to admit that he would have been better off calling the local prison and asking them to send out one of the convicted killers to come find me. - Shella ↗

— Krista Alasti

#fantasy #funny #krista-alasti #shifters #taming-shadows

I Take Life Very Seriously: One Joke At A Time. ↗

— Sandra Chami Kassis

#life #philosophy #quotes #truth #wisdom-inspirational

I pretend he doesn’t exist, and he does the same with me. ↗

— Ida Løkås

#funny #life #pretend #relationship #funny

Bombs Away!" he yelled, swooping low over StregaSchloss. He saw little figures on the ground fleeing from the large green projectile that was speeding their way. "And a direct hit, if I'm not mistaken," he observed to himself. With a tremendous slapping sound, Ffup's digestive overload landed on a human target. There was a scream, a ghastly choking sound, and then silence. ↗

— Debi Gliori

#gross #hilarious #humor #funny

To be, or not to be: what a question! ↗

— E.A. Bucchianeri

#faust #funny #humor #marlowe #philosophical-humor

The only thing more amorous than pretending to be marriage partners is pretending to be capitalist ones. Money is less essential for success in capitalism than in marriage, so you can amuse yourself without worry. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #love #marriage #money

So does that mean if you won’t fuck me because I’m high, I could fuck you because you’re not? ↗

— K.A. Mitchell

#boyfriend #ever #funny #high #humor

They had to swing by Jared’s locker so he could grab his jacket. “A leather jacket,” Kami said as he shrugged into it. “Aren’t you trying a little too hard to play into certain bad boy clichés?” “Nah,” said Jared. “You’re thinking of black leather. Black leather’s for bad boys. It’s all in the color. You wouldn’t think I was a bad boy if I was wearing a pink leather jacket.” “That’s true,” Kami said. “What I would think of you, I do not know. So what does brown leather mean, then?” “I’m going for manly,” Jared said. “Maybe a little rugged.” “It’s bits of dead cow; don’t ask it to perform miracles. ↗

— Sarah Rees Brennan

#funny

We didn’t-?” I whisper, my mouth drying in mortified horror as I can’t complete the question. I stare at my hands. “Anastasia, you were comatose. Necrophilia is not my thing. I like my women sentient and receptive,” he says dryly. ↗

— E.L. James

#anastasia #anastasia-steele #christian #christian-grey #e-l-james

You know,” he said, “P.S.S. Piss Camp.” “Yeah, I get it,” I said, “It’s just not funny. ↗

— Ripley Patton

#humor #supernatural #friendship