#funny

If I were a lawyer, I’d only date women named Sue. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #lawyer #dating

If a girl doesn't feel like crying for help when she's with her date, she isn't prepared to be in a relationship. The only difference is that on a date someone might come to her rescue. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #relationships #dating

I'm a straightforward guy. I give straight answers to unsolved mysteries, I wait to date hermaphrodites until after they get a sex change, and I never eat funnel cakes before untwisting them. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #sincerity #change

I’ll always be your friend,” he said. “Your best friend, if you let me. But I want to be your lover, too.” He groaned and shifted in his chair. “Soon. I want to be that soon.” Then a look came over him. “Oh Gina…I didn’t even court you! God, I should date you first before I beg you to take off your clothes! ↗

— Robyn Carr

#funny #humour #romance #romantic #dating

I'm a door-to-door telemarketer. I knock on phone booths and trade numbers, then verify a customer's credit card when she calls for a date. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #sales #telemarketing #dating

Love is like war, except without all the blood and death and stuff. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #love #war #death

I breathe onto a mirror just to make sure I’m still alive, and to see how good looking my breath is. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#breathe #death #funny #mirror #vain

-My son was 32 when he died.
 -Degrees? So he froze to death, huh? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny-dialogue #death

And they all lived happily ever after (barring death, divorce, arrest for tax fraud, that incident with the pool boy...) ↗

— Sarah Rees Brennan

#death

But...that doesn't make any sense...!' 'It does if you're a goat. ↗

— Linda Medley

#goats #logic #funny