#funny

I bought a house in a depressed neighborhood. The prices weren’t low, but the people were all bummed out. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #real-estate #funny

My pen.’ Funny, I wrote that without noticing. ‘The torch’, ‘the paper’, but ‘my pen’. That shows what writing means to me, I guess. My pen is a pipe from my heart to the paper. It’s about the most important thing I own. ↗

— John Marsden

#funny

With no chance to take off, I had to play my role, searching for the rendezvous spot, which gave me the excuse to look for an escape opportunity. Maybe a hole in the wall too small for Tori’s mom to follow me through or a precarious stack of boxes I could topple onto her head or an abandoned hammer I could brain her with. I’d never “brained” anyone in my life, but with Tori’s mom, I was willing to try. ↗

— Kelley Armstrong

#funny

Agatha had rose-colored cheeks, and thorn-like warts all over her slender neck. When we’d make love, I’d pretend I was Helen Keller and her neck was the Book of Love. I like to think I wrote that book, but I didn’t. Orafoura did. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#love #funny

Ah, damn it, lass,'he called after her. 'I've busted my stitches wide open.' 'What?'she cried, hurrying back to him. 'Let me see!' 'Ah-ha!' He snared her around the waist, dragging her down with him to his lap.'You still care for me! ↗

— Kresley Cole

#funny #love #romance #funny

The snozberries taste like snozberries! ↗

— Roald Dahl

#funny

I walked in on my folks doing it doggy style less than four hours ago." "Waitress!" Jonas screamed, clicking his fingers madly. "Bring two!" then, more quietly,"You want a neck massage? A bedtime story? A bullet in the ear? ↗

— MaryJanice Davidson

#funny-and-random #funny

Writers don't get mad they get even in their novels. ↗

— Candace C. Bowen

#humor-quotes #humorous-quotes #quotes #sarcastic-quotes #witty-quotes

He's all right. His hair is cute." Jonas froze, his lobster fork halfway to his mouth. " Oh my God, you're in love." "I'm not in love." "'his hair is cute'? You never say anything nice about anyone. Coming from you, cute hair is a mating call." " I talked to the guy for thirty seconds. And then he waved at me while i was in the tank." "Holy fuck, you're getting married, aren't you!" " Will you simmer. I certainly am not. ↗

— MaryJanice Davidson

#humour #in-love #funny

Look, I'm a guy. Your ass was touching my groin. Of course I'm going to pop a boner. It's a natural reaction. ↗

— Gwen Hayes

#jimmy-foster #layney-logan #funny