#funny

People are always laughing at me, so that must mean I’m either a great humorist, or a terrible one. And the day I become successful or change my occupation to something more serious, people will respect me, too. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #change

I am the dinosaur of love. Specifically, I am a pterodactyl, and you are my silent “p.” Stay quiet woman! ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #love #pterodactyl #funny

Also, in a funny way, if you have been happily married there are no unresolved areas, nothing to prove to yourself after the other dies. ↗

— Nigella Lawson

#also #areas #been #dies #funny

And, in a funny way, each death is different and you mourn each death differently and each death brings back the death you mourned earlier and you get into a bit of a pile-up. ↗

— Nigella Lawson

#bit #brings #death #different #differently

The last person they expected to connect with a screenplay was the comedic, blonde actress with the funny voice. ↗

— Joey Lauren Adams

#blonde #comedic #connect #expected #funny

My demeanor isn't that of a woman enraged. To see me slumped, glassy-eyed, holding a sandwich someone has cut for me into four "manageable" pieces, a person might tell you I look much more like a woman subdued. ↗

— Koren Zailckas

#anger-impressions #angry #break-up #break-ups #depression

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. ↗

— Tim Allen

#about #algebra #figure #good #i

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man. ↗

— Frank Carson

#am #best #funny #him #i

The first way not to shake hands is executed by receiving someone’s hand in yours and proceeding to squeeze it tightly, hurting the other party as if they were responsible for a past death in your family, or your adoption as a child. ↗

— Weston Locher

#comedy #essay #funny #humor #death

I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican. ↗

— Marion Berry

#abraham #abraham lincoln #created #freed #funny