#funny

Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date. 1. You're wearing that? 2. Something smells funny. 3. Where's the Tylenol? 4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother. 5. I have a confession to make… 6. My dad has a suit just like that. 7. That man is hot. Look at him. 8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever… 9. You're going to order that? Seriously? 10. You're how old? ↗

— Gena Showalter

#funny #dating

I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#dreams #funny #humor #life #sleeping

I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #impatience #patient #wisdom #wise

If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#humorous #jace #funny

Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator. ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#funny

The planet is fine. The people are fucked. ↗

— George Carlin

#humanity #humor #funny

What the hell is that?" I laughed. "It's my fox hat." "Your fox hat?" "Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat." "Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked. "Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox. ↗

— John Green

#humor #funny

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. ↗

— Cathy Guisewite

#funny #lemons #funny

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. ↗

— Rodney Dangerfield

#funny #humour #neighborhoods #funny

Don't be so humble - you are not that great. ↗

— Golda Meir

#golda #meir #true #funny