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And even though I'm standing in the middle of the biggest crowd I've ever seen in my life, I suddenly feel very alone. ↗
#hana #lauren-oliver #lena #life
For the first time in my life I actually feel sorry for Carol. I'm only seventeen years old, and I already know something she doesn't know: I know that life isn't life if you just float through it. I know that the whole point- the only point- is to find things that matter, and hold on to them, and fight for them, and refuse to let them go. ↗
If I should die...," I began to say. Vincent cuts me off. "Stop, Kate!" And then he sighs and his shoulders hunch slightly. He knows it’s dishonest to pretend we’re all going to make it out alive. He shuts his eyes and, when he opens them, he looks resolute. “Whatever happens, remember that I will love you forever,” he says. “Even if my spirit is dispersed and my consciousness released to the universe . . . whatever is left of me will never stop loving you. ↗
"You’re the first girl I’ve met around here who’s real, and who cares about things and likes to do things. But half the time, you decide the conversation’s over in mid-sentence and take off. Or you ignore me when we’re at school and other people are around, and you tell your cousin that there’s nothing going on between us and that you’re not interested me at all." "Me? What about you?" "What about me?" "You’re the master of saying one word and disappearing. And you have all these things that you care about, like Bea and Oliver and surfing and acting, but most people would never know that. Your father thinks you can’t wait to be a banker and all your friends think you don’t care about anything. And meanwhile you’ve gone from a person who acted like he cared about me to a professional bodyguard doing a favor for my aunt. I mean, what is the whole Secret Service act about?” His jaw was clenched. “I don’t want anything to you.” “Nothing’s happened to me.” “Oh, like when you got hit by a car?” “It didn’t hit me.” “But I should have been there. I got caught up, talking to Mr. Dudley, and I was late, and I let you stand out there all alone.” “Quinn, that makes no sense.” “I just don’t want it to happen again.” “What don’t you want to happen?” “I don’t want anyone I care about to get hurt on my watch.” That shut us both up. We were silent for a while, each looking out our respective windows as we sped along the highway. And then I figured it out. “This is about your mom, isn’t it?” He just sort of shrugged. And then he said, “Probably.” I moved closer and leaned into him. After a moment he put his arm around my shoulder. And we just stayed like that, not talking, the rest of the way to the airport. ↗
Tu, tu che non vuoi ch'io mi renda conto della tua posizione, e hai la vanità di mantenere a me la mia; tu che, conservandomi il lusso nel quale vivevo, conservi la distanza morale che ci separa; tu, infine, che non giudichi il mio affetto abbastanza disinteressato per dividere con me quello che possiedi, e basterebbe a vivere insieme felici, mentre preferisci rovinarti, schiavo di un pregiudizio ridicolo. E credi tu davvero ch'io possa paragonare una carrozza e alcuni gioielli col tuo amore? E che il mio bene consista in vanità che accontentano quando non si ha amore per nulla, ma diventano subito meschine quando si ama? Tu pagherai i miei debiti, impegnerai il tuo patrimonio e insomma mi manterrai! Quanto potrà durare tutto ciò? Due o tre mesi, e sarà troppo tardi allora vivere come ti propongo, perché allora tu dovrai accettare tutto da me, ciò che un gentiluomo non può fare. Oggi invece, con i tuoi otto o diecimila franchi di rendita, possiamo vivere. Io venderò il mio superfluo, e da questa sola vendita ricaverò duemila franchi di reddito. Affitteremo un bell'appartamento per tutti e due. L'estate andremo in campagna, non in una casa con questa, ma in una casetta che basti a due persone. Tu sei indipendente, io libera, e siamo giovani: in nome di Dio, Armando, non ricacciarmi nella vita che fui costretta a condurre un giorno. ↗
How could you do that to me?" I repeat. I don´t have to itemize. He knows what I speak of. Eventually N produces three answers, in this order: 1. "Because I am a complete rotter." I silently agree, but it´s a cop-out: I have maggots, therefore I am dead. 2. "I was stressed at work and unhappy and we were always fighting...and you know I was just crazy..." I cut him off, saying, "You don´t get to be crazy. You did exactly what you chose to do." Which is true, he did. It is what he has always done. He therefore seems slightly puzzled at the need for further diagnosis, which may explain his third response: 3. "I don´t know." This, I feel instinctively, is the correct answer. How can I stay angry with him for being what he is? I was, after all, his wife, and I chose him. No coincidences, that´s what Freud said. None. Ever. I wipe my eyes on my sleeve and walk toward the truck, saying to his general direction, "Fine. At least now I know: You don´t know." I stop and turn around and fire one more question: a bullet demanding attention in the moment it enters the skin and spreads outward, an important bullet that must be acknowledged. "What did you feel?" After a lengthy pause, he answers. "I felt nothing." And that, I realize too late, was not the whole truth, but was a valid part of the truth. Oh, and welcome to the Serengeti. That too. ↗
Attraction The whites of his eyes pull me like moons. He smiles. I believe his face. Already my body slips down in the chair: I recline on my side, offering peeled grapes. I can taste his tongue in my mouth whenever he speaks. I suspect he lies. But my body oils itself loose. When he gets up to fix a drink my legs like derricks hoist me off the seat. I am thirsty, it seams. Already I see the seduction far off in the distance like a large tree dwarfed by a rise in the road. I put away objections as quietly as quilts. Already I explain to myself how marriages are broken-- accidentally, like arms or legs. ↗
