#comedy

It'd be great to be so famous that if I murder someone, I will never, ever, ever serve any jail time, even if it's totally obvious to everyone that I did it. ↗

— Mindy Kaling

#fame #humor #kaling #mindy #murder

I'm not racist, I've got a black president ↗

— Dane Cook

#humor #humor

I do not know what it was about that boy but just looking at him, even I wanted to clout him on the head. It was a head that invited violence. ↗

— Patrick deWitt

#funny #humor #funny

No,' the professor replied. 'Her Majesty s alive and well - at least I assume so if she hasn't met a certain van driver from Yeovil.' ~Professor Hamilton ↗

— Bryan Davis

#humor #humor

Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was a robot church for androids, where the Bible was in binary and their Jesus had laser eyes and metal claws. ↗

— Russell Brand

#comedy #funny #humor #robots #funny

Recent studies have shown that approximately 40% of authors are manic depressive. The rest of us just drink. ↗

— Melodie Campbell

#fantasy #humor #love #magic #paranormal

Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I'm not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we're doing here. ↗

— Alan Rickman

#comedy #humor #humor

Be easy on yourself. Have fun. Only hang around people that are positive and make you feel good. Anybody who doesn’t make you feel good, kick them to the curb. And the earlier you start in your life the better. The minute anybody makes you feel weird and non-included or not supported, you know, either beat it or tell them to beat it. ↗

— Amy Poehler

#comedy #fun #humor #life #positive

I shouted the perfect words to scare him off. It was just the delivery (and only the delivery) that made me sound like a twelve-year-old girl with pee running down her leg. I felt dirty and stupid. ↗

— Graham Parke

#humor #literature #humor

The stalker, meanwhile, stepped into the road. Didn’t even check for traffic. There wasn’t any, but something told me this was lucky for traffic rather than the stalker. ↗

— Graham Parke

#humor #philosophy #humor