#come

I want you to know, chickens aren’t sexy. Not to me.” This was met with silence. “Are you there?” She was slurring her words now, which was embarrassing, so she took a deep breath. “Cam? Can you hear me?” “Yes, chickens aren’t sexy. Uh…I don’t think they’re meant to be. ↗

— Jill Shalvis

#humour #romance #romantic-comedy #funny

I want to do a comedy routine full of inside jokes. The people standing out in the rain won’t appreciate them, but neither will audience members lacking a self-effacing streak. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #funny

Hopeless and helpless doth AEgeon wend, But to procrastinate his lifeless end. ↗

— William Shakespeare

#procrastination

I hate stand-up comics; I think funny is something you are, not something you desperately try to be in front of a roomful of obnoxious people. ↗

— Peter Cameron

#funny

Lepida, has anyone ever told you that you're a cruel spiteful selfish slut?...You're vicious. You're unprincipled. You mistreat your slaves and abuse your daughter. And furthermore you're the worst, most neglectful, most criminal wife in Rome. I think we can go now. ↗

— Kate Quinn

#comeback #funny #insult #kate-quinn #mistress-of-rome

He didn't come out of my belly, but my God, I've made his bones, because I've attended to every meal, and how he sleeps, and the fact that he swims like a fish because I took him to the ocean. I'm so proud of all those things. But he is my biggest pride. ↗

— John Lennon

#because #belly #biggest #bones #come

Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year. ↗

— Derek The Ghost

#funny #horror #humor #scary #school

From Chloe's Secret--coming soon “What are you saying?” “I’m saying I want to have a relationship with you. I want to love you.” “Is there a ‘but’ coming next?” “But the funny thing is, when I didn’t want to love you—it happened anyway.” He slipped his arms into my back pockets and hugged the breath out of me. I choked, my eyes stung. “I don’t know what to say.” He smiled. “Say whatever you want to. Just because I said it, you don’t have to.” He was right; I didn’t have to. He wasn’t asking anything of me. ↗

— Shelley K. Wall

#fiction #romance #romantic-comedy #funny

When he is most powerful, nothing does he become. ↗

— Dejan Stojanovic

#dejan-stojanovic #literature #literature-quotes #nothing #poetry

Use a condom. The world doesn't need another you. ↗

— Carroll Bryant

#condoms #humorous-comebacks #insult #humor