#com

Damn it! I knew she was a monster! John! Amy! Listen! Guard your buttholes. ↗

— David Wong

#funny #hilarious #spiders #funny

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#funny #humor #humorous #funny

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it. ↗

— Carroll Bryant

#funny #funny-humor #humor #humorous #funny

There was a group of fans who wanted autographs, and several women who managed to write their phone numbers on Wade's hand before he pulled free. Sam sent him an arched brow, but he just shrugged. He got numbers written on him a lot; he'd never figured out how to stop that from happening. ↗

— Jill Shalvis

#humour #romance #romantic-comedy #funny

(About a cookbook...) - What about this one? Maids of Honor? - Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor...but they ends up Tarts. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#funny-and-random #humor #humorous #retort #satire

A brick could be used to increase your annual sales. But before you can sell, you’ve got to buy. For just $9.99 I’ll show you how a common brick can transform you into an uncommon salesman. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #buy

I squinted one of my eyes at Daniel. “What are you doing?” he asked. “This is me, giving you the side eye.” I continued to squint. “Well, you look like you’re having a stroke ↗

— Hodkin Michelle

#the-look #the-unbecoming-of-mara-dyer #funny

Neighbors are the most indecent sort of folk around. Nothing but voyeurs and gossipers. As a community we would be much better off without them. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #gossiping #humor #neighbors #voyeurism

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer. ↗

— Carroll Bryant

#funny #humor #humorous #humorous-quote #funny

I decide to release myself the only way I can imagine: I pee my pants. ↗

— Phil Torcivia

#humour #imagination